Bethany Longer
A millennial psychic from Huntington Beach who reads futures through latte art and tea bags.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
10Don Bones and the Haunted Dodgers
Don Bones reveals his work as the personal medium for the Los Angeles Dodgers, explaining that baseball games take so long because he has to clear ghosts from the pitchers' fastballs.
"Baseball players are as skittish as horses on a rainy night."
"I'm the personal medium of the psychic medium and psychic of the Dodgers."
Bethany Longer: The Latte Art Prophet
Bethany explains her evolution from reading tea bags to predicting the future through latte art for high-end clients like Blake Lively and Snooki.
"I will tell your future with your latte art."
"The tea is all in the bag. How do you read a tea bag?"
The Cordito and Latte Readings
Bethany Longer explains her practice of reading lattes at 'Earth' and introduces the 'Cordito'—a cortado specifically for psychics to predict if a wedding will be good.
"Cordito is a cortado for psychics."
"I'll shake the invitation over it and then I can tell if the party's going to be good or not."
Psychic Guessers and Invisible Ink
The panel admits that much of their work involves guessing. Don Bones reveals that fakes are legally required to write 'I am lying' on their cards in invisible lemon juice ink.
"I wouldn't say I'm lying, but I definitely am guessing."
"If they know they're lying, they have to put it."
Quest Diagnostics: The Psychic's Best Friend
The psychics praise Quest Diagnostics, admitting they often rely on medical records and blood work to 'sense' information about their clients.
"Psychics would be nothing without Quest Diagnostics."
"They look at the blood and they see stuff that I don't see."
The Dream Monetization Gold Rush
The psychics discuss their failed celebrity readings and the lucrative future of monetizing the collective unconscious through 'dream streaming services' and meetings with Google.
"Dreams are a separate streaming service that we have just not unlocked yet."
"I took a general with the collective unconscious and I think it went well, but I haven't heard back."
The Seven of Snake Wands and the Kidney Stone Prophecy
Montgomery Snake attempts to read the other psychics using a deck of 'snake cards' made of notebook paper, while they counter-read his failing health and impending movie pitch failure.
"Montgomery, look at me. Did I tell you your future? Did it work?"
"You pulled the Jack of Joker snakes. That was made out of notebook paper."
The Triple Piss-Reading Finale
In a chaotic climax, the psychics perform a 'triple reading' of Montgomery's urine on the couch, seeing visions of Olaf from Frozen and a basketball-dunking grandmother.
"The piss is now a disco ball. It's all coming together."
"Your grandma actually just dunked a basketball really hard. It was really epic."
Roundtable Roll-Call: The Elite Celebrity Psychics
The panel of psychics introduces themselves, discussing their various Los Angeles neighborhoods and the skepticism they face in the industry while claiming to already know each other's souls.
"The spirits in the room already told me who each of you are and that's why I moved on."
Psychic Merch and the Snake Deck
Don Bones describes his boardwalk t-shirt business featuring sarcastic slogans, while Montgomery Snake reveals his custom-drawn 'Deck of Snakes' tarot cards.
"I have another shirt that says two truths and a lie. You suck. I suck. We should fuck."