Cain Deuteronomy
A former adult film actor who specialized in kissing and now operates the camera for the stadium jumbotron.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14The Dramaturgy of the Kiss Cam Funnel
Alabaster Martini explains the theatrical legacy of the kiss cam, including the 'Kiss Cam Funnel' and the 'Stella Stella Stella' configuration.
"You get them in with the heterosexuality. The heterosexuality is a hook."
"Stella Stella is when you have three girls in a row and you're not sure which one is going to kiss the boy."
"Dodger fans, open up the dugout of the past. It's time for some vintage kiss cam."
Alabaster Martini's Library Backstory
Alabaster reveals he was raised in a library where he was forbidden from dating and eventually developed romantic feelings for bookmarks before being rescued by a construction worker named Rich.
"The bookmarks became my lovers and everyone"
"I am the only accredited professor of Kiss Cam Dramaturgy"
"I am a drama turkey"
The Wave Disaster and Big Twitch
Cain describes a catastrophic incident where he started the kiss cam during a stadium wave, resulting in numerous injuries and accidental groin-focused footage.
"It caused 25 to 30 injuries"
"So much of the kiss cam was groins and it was like we wanted the groins to kiss"
"Big Twitch is behind that"
The Ice Cream Apology of 1552
Alabaster and Turkey Jerky debate the historical origins of the word 'sorry', claiming it was invented by Christopher Ice Cream in 1552 through a specific sheepish intonation.
"The first apology was in 1552 by Christopher Ice Cream"
"He said ice cream and it was understood it was a sorry"
"Dramaturgically I will never say I'm sorry"
Dream Kiss Cam Scenarios
The panel pitches their ideal kiss cam moments, ranging from a four-generation mixed-race family tree to a 1944 soldier-nurse photo recreation and a pizza delivery romance.
"Four generations of mixed race couples all related to each other"
"Don't worry folks they're not twins"
"Did somebody order pizza"
The Geopolitical Power of the Smooch
The panel discusses the profound impact of the kiss cam, suggesting it could end wars and solve congressional gridlock if deployed in the Situation Room or C-SPAN.
"A smooch can move a thousand ships. A smooch can mend countries and destroy men."
"Put a kiss cam in the Congress and we will have bipartisanship."
Cain Deuteronomy's Adult Industry Origins
Cain reveals he transitioned from the porn industry to kiss cams because he was the only performer who wanted to stay on the kissing part of the scene.
"I was doing porn. Deuteronomy was doing porn!"
"You were known in the porn industry for wanting to stay on kissing."
The High-Stakes Game of Lip Gloss Toss
The team describes their complex in-booth game, Lip Gloss Toss, which involves prorated scoring systems and a mysterious 'robber' role.
"It's kind of prorated like you'd buy tickets at a county fair."
"The robber could take the insides of your lip gloss and use it for their own."
Theme Nights: From Furries to 'Gotcha' Gay Cams
The team discusses the expansion of theme nights, including the logistical nightmare of 'Furry Night' and their classic 'Gotcha' bit where they put straight men on the cam to imagine an alternate reality.
"You're not really a rabbit, are you?"
"Allow yourself to be consumed with the alternate twisted reality of if these two men were gay."
The Ethical Backlash and the Jennifer Hudson Show
The operators address the 'Me Too' era criticisms of kiss cams, explaining their failed attempt at consent-based disclaimers and their subsequent $10 million monetization at a Coldplay concert.
"We had to change it from kiss cam to we put the camera on you and you get to choose what happens next."
"That Coldplay concert Jumbotron... it made us $10 million."
The Legend of Chelsea Scaparelli and Lip Gloss Toss
The group reveals why their colleague Chelsea Scaparelli is missing, detailing her inability to play 'Lip Gloss Toss' and her unsettling habit of looking for 'mean' moments instead of love.
"You can't be the tanner and move the lip gloss toss. You can only play as the werewolf or the toss."
"Are we playing Yatsi?"
The Failed Cams: Indifference, Sneeze, and Generational Trauma
A rapid-fire review of experimental cams that didn't stick, including the 'Indifference Cam,' the 'Mess Up Yo Sneeze Cam,' and the 'I Know a Terrible Secret Cam' featuring old men.
"It's not offense. It's not defense. It's indifference."
"Zoom in on old man's face. The closest we can get to an old man. Generational trauma."
The Cinnamon Roll Kissing Exercise
Brandon Brando introduces a cinnamon roll as a proxy for a kiss cam subject, leading to a series of increasingly specific and tragic relationship backstories invented by the operators.
"I brought a cinnamon roll. I'm going to kiss it. You're going to tell me how you film it."
"He has the divorce papers. She doesn't know yet."
Introduction to the Kiss Cam Elite
The hosts introduce the high-stakes world of Kiss Cam operation, framing it as a vital artistic endeavor that keeps stadium crowds activated during commercial breaks.
"Kiss cams are the number one greatest things at every sporting event."