Chlamydia Gonorrhea
A stock photo model who cornered the market on 'woman eating salad' images.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
17The HR High Five Collab
The models attempt an 'epic collab' by posing for a stock photo prompt: 'HR representatives getting good news,' while Chlamydia prepares for a solo prompt of eating salad at a wedding she hates.
"It's the big HR high five!"
"I want to see you eating salad at a wedding and the bride is a cunt."
"I want to see you eating salad at a wedding."
"The bowl's always in hand. That's what makes it look like you're inconvenienced."
Chlamydia Gonorrhea: The Salad Queen
Chlamydia discusses her rise from sandwich modeling to the cutthroat world of 'woman eating salad' stock photos, emphasizing her ability to look like she hasn't touched the food.
"I got my start in salads."
"Salad girls are absolute cunts."
"You know I have not eaten a bite of it and I will not."
Brian Dart: Mad at Laptop
Brian Dart reveals his niche in 'man mad at computer' imagery, celebrating OS updates like Mac Sonoma as guaranteed paydays for his specific brand of frustration.
"I do mad in front of laptop and mad after having had sex."
"My good days are the computer's bad days."
"Thank God for Mac Sonoma."
The Greatest Showman's Dead-Eyed Costumes
The panel critiques Jeremy's character for his 'zany costume' photos where his dead-eyed facial expressions fail to sell the fun of being a wizard on a beach.
"I was the first model to put on a zany costume."
"His eyes are absolutely dead."
"Man in chicken costume finds himself in precarious situation."
Josie Rosie: The Queen of Bloat
Josie Rosie explains how her gluten intolerance allows her to simulate any pregnancy trimester on demand, leading to her viral fame as the 'jealous girlfriend' meme.
"I corner all of the pregnant women's stuff."
"I have one bite of a bagel and I look like a woman in her third trimester."
"I am the jealous girlfriend in that meme."
The Distracted Boyfriend Meme Origin Story
Chlamydia reveals she was the jealous girlfriend in the famous distracted boyfriend meme, explaining the physical toll of dislocating her shoulders to achieve the perfect stock photo look.
"I had both of my shoulders dislocated for that job."
"A stock photo is worth about 10 dollars."
"Jonathan got my head so small."
The Five Method and Nephew Warheads
Josie Rosie demonstrates the 'Stuckislavski' five-emotion method while Brian Dart complains about his bully nephew stealing his face-muscularizing Warheads.
"My warheads muscularize my face."
"Don't furrow. Feel."
"I'm sick but rich."
The NYU Stock School of Acting
The models discuss their formal training at 'NYU Stock' and 'Stella Ad-freeler,' explaining the craft of making stock photos 20% more boring to avoid accidentally becoming a fetish.
"What I learned at University NYU Stock."
"What you have to do in order to not make it fetish is make it just 20% more boring."
"I was at Stella Ad-freeler."
Stock-Spear in the Park
The group reminisces about performing 'Stock-Spear' (stock photo Shakespeare), including a performance of a wordless monologue from 'Three Sisters Eating Salad Picnic Park Boyfriend Girlfriend.'
"You can say pamphlet in the theater. You just can't say Stock-Beth."
"Was that from Three Sisters Eating Salad Picnic Park Boyfriend Girlfriend?"
"Unleash the curse! Do three stock photos quick!"
The Guadalajara Salad Disaster
Chlamydia Gonorrhea recounts a tragic beach shoot in Guadalajara where a wave knocked her into a Disney cruise ship staffed entirely by children, leading to a mass drowning event.
"It knocked me into that cruise ship full of kids."
"Disney had it coming doing an all-kids Disney cruise."
"I won't trust a kid with my credit card processing it."
The Cedric Hog Legacy and 'What the Hog' Moments
The panel discusses the technical mastery of stock photo directors and the industry term 'What the Hog,' named after legendary 80s photographer Cedric Hog.
"That's when you look like you're getting birthed out of the costume."
"It was Hog City."
The Modern Scarlet Letter: Fast Food Delivery
Steven Cablamo acts out the shame of being asked to wait in a numbered parking spot for a large fast food order, which the group equates to a modern-day Scarlet Letter.
"They make you go to a parking space with a number on it."
"It's like pretty much Scarlet Letter. Modern Scarlet Letter."
The Slutty Maid's Marital Realization
The Greatest Showman acts out a complex stock photo prompt involving a slutty maid costume and the sudden realization of a five-year affair involving a man in a closet.
"Let's say you're dressed as like a slutty maid."
"Sometimes you got to play it out before you look down the lens."
The Whites of the Eyes
Brian Dart demonstrates the 'Sanpaku' eye technique required for stock photos, which the group notes is medically associated with mental disorders or great evil.
"Your eyes can never be wide enough in a stock photo."
"If you see all the whites around, that's actually a real disorder."
The Visual-Only Group Chat
The panel discusses their inability to text with words, resulting in a group chat filled entirely with confusing stock photos and GIFs of waffles and clocks.
"None of us can really type."
"It's a gift of waffles with a question mark."
The 9/11 Salad Photo Shoot
Chlamydia describes her 'brave' decision to shoot a stock photo of herself eating a salad in front of the smoldering ruins of 9/11, including a creative dispute over whether to include a cat in the shot.
"Middle schoolers shouldn't go to Italy."
The Stock Photo Model Roundtable Roll-Call
The panel introduces themselves as elite stock photo models, discussing their 'photos per minute' stats and a tragic accident involving a woman rolling into a school bus.
"I rolled off of a cliff and I rolled into a school bus."
"I demolished every child."
"I'm rocking around 2015 photos per minute."