Christine Tert
A self-made student from a family of CPAs who grew up without art.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
12Cash Nay's Unadulterated Minute of Twisted Thoughts
The group forces Cash to perform a one-minute internal monologue, revealing his obsession with Smash Mouth, smoking tiny cigarettes, and his secret status as a non-musical theatre major who just does all the shows.
"I'll go home, I'll smoke the littlest, littlest bit of a cigarette."
"I guess I'm a little twisted guys, I'm so sorry you had to see that."
"Smash Bros makes me think of Smash Mouth, R.I.P."
Jersey Mike's Character Building and Future Stardom
Christine reflects on how her time at Jersey Mike's built more character than a Shonda Rhimes workshop, while Cash predicts he will be the best actor in the world in exactly 20 years.
"If I can tell you anything from my time working at Jersey Mike's, it builds character."
"When I'm 45 or 50 I'm going to get the funniest roles, but it's going to be a tough 20 years for me."
"I'm not going to get weird at your wedding!"
Conter Brockway Hillhurst: The Ensemble King
Conter discusses his passion for ensemble work, comparing the importance of a background actor to that of a mailman or a plumber who unclogs toilets.
"We need good people who know how to unclog a toilet because those are important things."
"The ensemble is the Greek chorus."
Christine Tert: The Self-Made CPA Daughter
Christine emphasizes her 'poor' middle-class upbringing where her parents were CPAs and the only art on the walls were framed W2s and tax forms.
"Instead of family photos, they literally just hung like tax forms on the wall."
"I am completely self-made."
Regina Spektor Sandwich Parody
Christine presents a 'clip' of her reworking Regina Spektor's 'Samson' into a song about Jersey Mike's sandwiches, despite her being on vocal rest.
"Onion spices, oil and vin, everyone just tap right in."
"You sound so poor in it. It sounds heartbreaking."
Senior Showcase Scene Pairings
The group discusses their showcase scenes, including a 'contemporary' Broad City scene and an edgy sex worker drama, while Conter struggles with his lack of a partner.
"We had to show that we can also play like HBO girlies."
"You have to show that you can play sexy and poor and hot and rich."
The Chocolate Chip Monologue
Conter performs a monologue from a young adult acting book about a man begging a witch to turn him into a chocolate chip so his wife can eat him.
"Witch, witch, witch, please grant me this wish!"
"I can go into the mouth of my favorite beloved, my darling wife Josephine."
Freshman Advice and The Dining Quad
The seniors offer 'advice' to freshmen, explaining the bizarre campus food geography where carbs are in the quad and dessert requires going to the gym.
"Avoid the mashed potatoes in the quad. They go straight through you."
"If you want a dessert, you gotta go to the gym."
The Evermount University Senior Showcase Finale
The seniors perform a parody of 'Seasons of Love' from Rent, replacing the lyrics with hyper-specific references to their school, mashed potato quads, and their teachers' trips to West Hollywood.
"525,000 mashed potato quads."
"How do you measure a degree? In guitars! In sandwiches!"
The Shondaland Workshop Experience
Emma brags about her exclusive $400 workshop with Shonda Rhimes, while the others debate the value of the 'soul to mouth' acting technique and her 'lunch' (granola bar) with the mogul.
"She said in through the soul, out through the mouth, and you're not."
Channing's Distant Uncle Jason Robert Brown
Channing reveals her industry connection to composer Jason Robert Brown (uncle by law, twice over) and discusses her ambitious audition song choice.
"My uncle by marriage, by law, two times over is Jason Robert Brown."
The Tert Triple and Jersey Mike's Trauma
The seniors reminisce about Christine's legendary 'Tert Triple' pirouette and her heartbreaking one-act play about the struggle of working a summer job at Jersey Mike's.
"I will never forget the moment we like to call the Tert Triple when you landed that fucking triple pirouette."