John Cross
dolphin and whale trainer and Edgar the Sea Lion.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
12The Darkest Days: Dolphins as DDs and Otter Healthcare
The performers reveal their professional failures, including John using a dolphin as a designated driver in his Toyota Corolla and Melody taking an otter to Planned Parenthood.
"You put a dolphin in your Toyota Corolla! I was drunk, I needed somebody to drive me!"
"One time I had to take an otter to Planned Parenthood. I won't go farther than that."
"Melody brought a literal otter to a Planned Parenthood for an unexplainable reason."
"What are they doing with this otter who's sobbing in my hands?"
Buddy Robinson and the Jumping Sardines
Buddy Robinson, a SeaWorld veteran, introduces Sandy Magnesium (aka Geronimo), who has somehow trained thousands of sardines to jump on command, creating a 'haunting' subliminal noise.
"She gets about a thousand sardines to jump at once."
"Where did that fish go? Up!"
John Cross and Miriam the 84-Year-Old Dolphin
John Cross introduces himself as the lead dolphin trainer and presents Miriam, an elderly dolphin whose high-pitched greeting is nearly inaudible. The group discusses the 'SeaWorld Family' values.
"That is Miriam the dolphin, our oldest dolphin. She is 84."
"What we want to educate you on is how to be a moral person in the water."
The Swinging 60s at SeaWorld
Buddy Robinson reminisces about the lawless 1960s at SeaWorld, where trainers dated each other freely until it started 'spooking the fish.' He reveals he joined the park to follow a lady named Seraphina.
"It was the 60s and SeaWorld was a little different back then. It was a little bit swinging."
"Try not to date each other, especially not in front of the fish. It spooks them."
The SeaWorld Sorting Hat
The performers explain that SeaWorld uses a 'Sorting Hat' system to assign family roles. Buddy Robinson laments that he always gets 'Uncle' despite his desperate wish to be 'Daddy.'
"They assign you kind of like the Sorting Hat. I'm a big fan of Harry Potter currently and politically."
"Nobody wants to be the mommy to the kid that'll call me daddy."
The Hunger Games vs. SeaWorld Splash Zones
The performers describe fish bumper ball arenas and claim Suzanne Collins stole the idea for The Hunger Games while visiting SeaWorld San Diego, leading trainers to intentionally soak her notebooks.
"Suzanne Collins who wrote The Hunger Games actually was we used to call her a sea rat."
"If you can push the orcas to extend the Splash Zone so that we can get the notebooks wet so that she can't take any of the ideas home."
Brené Brown and the Six Attachment Styles of Fish
Sandy and John pitch a new show based on Brené Brown's 'Atlas of the Heart' featuring glow-in-the-dark painted fish and the unveiling of two new attachment styles: Anxious Fish and Secure Fish.
"It's an incredible collab Brené Brown and Fred again got together for this SeaWorld exclusive."
"I'll never get how you get fish to stick to a paint."
The Faustian Bargain Dolphin Show
Buddy Robinson describes a high-concept dolphin show where siblings are offered unlimited money or eternal life, and the audience is forced to play the role of the Devil.
"It really poses the question: what if you were the devil and what if you had the power to cause pain or inflict it?"
"You can't be too on the nose with a dolphin because their noses are very big."
The Shamu Apology Tour and Performance Art
The team discusses 'Shamu: Still Learning,' a show where trainers wear heavy prosthetics and allow the audience to whip them with sardines as a form of corporate penance inspired by Marina Abramović.
"The show is Shamu taking a stand and publicly apologizing finally."
"We've taken a lot of inspiration from Marina Abramović performance art."
The Locker Room Underwater
The trainers discuss the 'locker room underwater' where Buddy swims with old dolphins who have their own regional slang for the area, translated as 'The Boys' House.'
"We call that the locker room underwater because it's just... the boys."
"The dolphins have a word for it, which translates to the boys' house."
Edgar the Walrus's Final Words
As the show wraps up, Melody's walrus Edgar provides a festive but conspiracy-laden sign-off, singing Christmas carols before making a shocking political claim.
"Edgar is drying up and he's going to get mad at me."
"9/11 was an inside job."
Melody St. Harmony and Edgar the Sea Lion
Melody St. Harmony introduces herself and her sea lion, Edgar, who apparently has a bit where he pretends to be Joe Rogan on a podcast. The panel struggles to maintain focus while managing invisible animals.
"Hey Edgar, what do you think about toxic masculinity?"
"He has a whole bit where he pretends to be Joe Rogan on a podcast."