Louis Quinn
The Sniper; a long-suffering old man writer's assistant who has been with the franchise since the beginning.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
13The James Bond Song Submission Review
The writers discuss potential musicians for the next Bond theme, including a 'spooky' Nora Jones, a 'shaking not stirred' Kesha, and a bizarre SpongeBob-themed submission titled 'SpongeClit BobPants'.
"My titties are shaking not stirred."
"SpongeClit BobPants lives under the sea."
"How does an agent British guy of the Queen and the M15."
Casting the First Gay Bond
The writers pitch actors for a 'Gay Bond' and brainstorm increasingly ridiculous names for the male 'Bond Boy' equivalents of Bond girls, such as 'Penis McGoldenfinger' and 'Jizz Royale'.
"With a gay Bond you don't get a Bond girl, do you? You get a Bond boy."
"Penis McGoldenfinger."
"Male nipple Napoli, he's Italian."
Whiskers Delight and the Flamboyant Villain Ban
Patrick pitches 'Whiskers Delight', a villain who turns cats into robot spies. The group discusses why 'flamboyant' villains were banned for being too 'pick me' and needy.
"The cat is the British dog and the dog is the American dog."
"Why won't you kiss me, Mr. Bond? Why won't you let me hold you?"
"He is too pick me. That's the scariest thing about this villain."
Professor Duck and Dark Academia
Jeremy introduces Professor Duck, a villain obsessed with the school system and 'Dark Academia' aesthetics, leading to a confusing discussion about putting ties in microwaves.
"The term limit is up and your writing is overdue. You get an F."
"Dark academia is sort of what if school felt like goth?"
"Imagine what would happen if you put a tie in a microwave."
The 'Your Parents Are Dead' Sign-Off Lines
The writers pitch increasingly dark and specific Bond sign-off lines that focus entirely on calling the henchman's parents to tell them their son is dead and they can't access his Apple ID.
"Turns out the only legs I'm spreading are the legs of truth."
"Hello? Chase Bank? I'm the account holder's parent. He's deceased."
"Your death made her enter menopause 15 years earlier than she was supposed to."
Bond Bonds: The Friendship Road Trip
The group reveals the plot of the next movie: a road trip buddy comedy called 'Bond Bonds' starring Andrew Scott and Seth Rogen, featuring a Buddhist Bond.
"It's Bond and his best friend. Bond Bonds."
"We need to figure out what he can do under the laws of Buddhism because he's a Buddhist."
"If you liked 80 for Brady and Nanas, you're going to love Bond Bonds."
The Shape-Shifting Paperwork of Butterfingers Dupree
Butterfingers Dupree reveals she has used dozens of aliases to stay on the Bond writing staff for 50 years, resulting in a massive hall of I-9 forms and a total lack of health insurance due to her fragmented identity.
"I will never get health insurance because what do I want more? Do I want my health or do I want my privacy?"
"I-9s is all the eye can see."
The Sniper's Unread Writing Packet
Louis Quinn, known as 'The Sniper', has been the writer's assistant since the franchise began. Despite bringing coffee for decades, the senior writers still haven't read his submission packet of Bond sketches and monologue jokes.
"All of those writers died and have gone and I'm still the writer's assistant."
"Seems like I missed the hors d'oeuvres."
The Shaken Not Stirred IPA Drafts
The writers discuss the evolution of Bond's iconic drink order, revealing rejected drafts that included hot dirty martinis, IPA mixers, and martinis served in to-go coffee cups.
"Dirty martini hot. Didn't work. It made him kind of disgusting immediately."
"A martini, throw it in a to-go coffee cup."
The Bond Girl Name Warm-Up
The writers list increasingly absurd and anatomical names for potential 'Bond Girls' or 'Femme Fatales' that have been shortlisted for the next film, culminating in a Norah Jones parody.
"Golda Pussy Silver Titty."
"Labia Menorah Nora Nora Nora Jones."
The Microwave Gadget Obsession
Agent T reveals his history of pitching gadgets that are just various items put into a microwave, including a microwave shoe and a microwave watch that he claims inspired the smartwatch.
"What is a gun if not a microwave that shoots it directly heat to your body or something?"
"A detonator bomb is basically an outside microwave that heats everything up around it."
The Great Bond Religion Debate
A heated argument erupts over James Bond's religious affiliation, with theories ranging from him being a devout Buddhist to a Sunni Muslim who misses missions for call to prayer.
"If James Bond isn't a Buddhist, how on earth does he deal with the mental load of dealing with all these villains?"
"I always saw him as a Sunni Muslim."
The Secretive Writers of 007
The hosts introduce a panel of long-tenured James Bond screenwriters who operate with extreme secrecy, including Agent T, who claims responsibility for the alligator-jumping stunt in A View to a Kill.
"They call me Agent T. I won't give my full name because it is a secret."
"I was the one that made him jump on all those alligators."