PJ Sampras
A 67-year-old driver and aspiring PA who has lived in LA since the 60s.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
12The Ever-Changing Children's Hospital
The group debates the historical identity of the Children's Hospital building, claiming it was previously a garage, a bowling alley, and a discotheque.
"The children's hospital when I was around was a bowling alley."
"I distinctly remember walking in with a bowling ball and lettering around."
The Stink Spot and the Integrity of Roaches
Herky Mump reminisces about his bar, The Stink Spot, and laments the loss of 'integrity' in the city as roaches are replaced by ants and condominiums.
"People weren't afraid to be roaches. They had integrity."
"Now all we have is ants."
The Dairy Farm Origins of Hollywood
The group reminisces about when Hollywood was just an open field full of cows and dairy farms, where real men wrote movies with their hands over a game of catch.
"You could tell because the vent shot up in everyone's dresses."
"That's how real men wrote movies, with their hands."
The UCB Sunset Nostalgia Trip
The group reminisces about the defunct UCB Sunset theater, claiming it used to be the Hollywood Bowl and recalling bizarre high-concept shows involving butt plugs and 75-person recreations of Grease.
"I saw a show at UCB Sunset where the host of the Netflix show Nailed It pulled out a butt plug out of a butt."
"I saw a show where about 75 improvisers recreated Grease and it was awful."
The Waves of Los Angeles
PJ Sampras delivers a pseudo-philosophical monologue about the 'waves' of LA, while Herky Mump explains that his favorite thing about the city is that people are constantly confused by his presence in a car seat.
"I think I find myself always looking at LA in its waves and finding myself riding it."
"They say, 'Why are you sitting in that car seat?' and you find peace in being misunderstood."
Universal CityWalk: The Unchanging Bastion
The panelists praise Universal CityWalk as the only place in LA that never changes, listing off specific tourist traps like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and Popcornopolis as cultural landmarks.
"Universal City has never and will never change."
"I'm an honorary Duke of Popcornopolis."
The Anaheim Sting Operation
The 'tour' ends abruptly as police helicopters descend. The group realizes they have been in Anaheim the entire time, leading to a frantic high-speed escape and the show's sign-off.
"How did they get to Anaheim? We've been in Anaheim this whole time!"
"Stay where you are! I have to, I'm buckled in!"
Ketamine Igloos and Ghostly Vents
The tour passes Hollywood High and the Roosevelt Hotel, leading to claims that Star Wars was filmed on PE courts and Marilyn Monroe's ghost haunts local pharmacies.
"If I had a nickel for every ketamine igloo I find in this city these days."
The Tragic Backstories of LA Landmarks
The panel discusses the 'real' people behind famous buildings, including Henry Arclight (who is buried in the dome) and Dominique LAX, a woman framed for murder so the airport could steal her name.
"They framed her for murder and then stole her name."
Great Depression Pizza and the Swordfish Horse
Dot CPK reveals that California Pizza Kitchen was founded during the Great Depression to provide affordable pizza made by her drunkard father, who invented dishes like taco spaghetti.
"Nothing screams the Great Depression quite like that taco pizza."
Bumper Car Therapy for Historical Trauma
The group discusses using the Alvarado bumper cars as a coping mechanism for major historical events like the Iranian Hostage Crisis and the MeToo movement.
"I just bumped her card for like six hours, man."
The Real Secrets of Hollywood Tour Roll-Call
The panel introduces themselves while driving through Los Angeles, establishing their long-term residency and tenuous connections to the entertainment industry.
"My name is PJ Sampras. I am 67 years old. I grew up in Santa Monica, California."