Siri Guru Johnston
mommy wellness influencer who makes un-processed foods for her kids, is frequently mistaken for Sir Guru Johnson
Highlight Bits & Quotes
9Alpha Male Optimization and the Nefarious Penicillin Spike
Cody-AK explains his 'man focusing' body language and addresses allegations of juicing, claiming his payroll of 45 nefarious employees might be spiking his penicillin with HGH against his wishes.
"It's the man cave on Google Maps."
"I make sure that the angles are optimized so that they're all acute."
"I make sure that the angles are optimized so that they're all acute so that I look masculine when I pick it up."
"I will pay you $45,000 a year plus healthcare if you spike my penicillin with HGH. Your choice."
Siri Guru Johnston's Homemade Chalk and Sylvia Plath Oven
Siri explains her 'accidental' wellness fame through making non-processed snacks for her kids, including homemade chalk and using a very specific, historically morbid oven to bake Muddy Buddies.
"I just cook for my kids... we should have Cheez-Its that aren't covered in stuff."
"You make them eat chalk... it's flour and electrolytes."
"Stick it in this Sylvia Plath died in this oven."
The Disconnect of Siri Guru Johnston and the Crypto-Therapist
Siri Guru Johnston discusses her strained relationship with her daughter Bobette and her sessions with a 'crypto-therapist' who explains energy molecules as light blue chakras.
"There's just a disconnection between Ralphie and Siri Guru Johnston."
"A molecule is an energetic charge of kind of light blue chakra."
"She comes from a long line of post-nuns."
Nestle Toll House Cold Press Shots and Homemade Chlorine
Chuck Ribs pitches her raw cookie dough health shots while Siri Guru Johnston admits to making homemade chlorine and Claritin out of tortillas to keep her kids 'sustainable'.
"14,000 grams of pure kerosene. It is flammable."
"I'm taking tortillas and I'm putting them in my Sylvia Plath oven, cutting them up and sticking them on my sweet Dylan's little nose."
"If I'm just making things for my kids to play with that are sustainable, then call me a scientist."
The Final Om and the Big Pharma Homecoming
The panel attempts a group meditation that devolves into a chaotic domestic scene involving horse growth hormones, ketamine-laced food, and 'showbiz jugs'.
"Honey are you home from Big Pharma? I made you some homemade ham."
"I need the 48 pack of human growth hormone, not the 24. And it's the kind for horses, right?"
"That's why they call it showbiz jugs. Goodnight Hollywood!"
Pro-Vaccine Influencers and Homemade Pfizer
The panel discusses misconceptions about wellness influencers being anti-vax. Siri Guru Johnston reveals she is pro-vax because she makes her own 'Pfizer' at home using electrolytes.
"I take the penicillin shot five times a day."
"I make my own Pfizer. I make it with a little bit of electrolytes."
Chuck Ribs' High Performance Alpha Male Routine
Chuck Ribs shares his 'authentic' life slice: waking up at 3:45 AM to put cookies in an oven he never turns on, because high-performance alpha males eat raw dough and go back to bed.
"High performance alpha males do not need to turn on the oven."
"Nestle's Toll House isn't really a toll house but a factory."
Sir Guru Johnson's Morning Presentation to Chunu
Sir Guru Johnson describes his morning routine of 'presenting' his body parts, specifically his anus and 'penus', to the spirit god Chunu while standing on a balcony overlooking Silver Lake.
"I wear my kimono fully nude."
"You just really got to thrust these to the god Chunu."
The Collective Breath and Chocolate Air
The panel of wellness influencers attempts to ground themselves with a collective breath, which quickly escalates into competitive breathing and Jeremy's character describing the air as tasting like 'chocolate energy'.
"Can we take a collective breath maybe real quick?"
"The air should remind you and taste like chocolate."
"I believe the only people that can actually take deep breaths are people who have had children."