Sissy
The 'girl in the back' who dials parents' phone numbers and drives the paper ambulance.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
10Jessica Budweiser's Anti-Bird Lobby
Jessica Budweiser explains her pro-outdoor-cat, anti-bird stance and her sarcastic lobbying efforts in Congress while serving on the board of Budweiser.
"I'm a hard anti-bird."
"It's like when Jesus hung out with the poor."
"I just feel as though sometimes you guys feel that because of my last name I'm not an impartial force in this fight."
Introduction to Daria 2: The Anti-Drunk Driving Seminar
The cast of Daria 2 introduces their educational seminar, explaining that their LLC name is a legal compromise and often mispronounced by ninth graders as 'Diarrhea 2'.
"Legally our LLC is Daria 2. We couldn't fit 'not drink'."
"Sometimes people think it's Diarrhea 2, which is a little confusing."
Peter's Foley Art Car Crash Prologue
Peter Hurlowitz demonstrates his 'prologue' performance: a hyper-realistic beatbox impression of the car accident he was in, which the group uses to grab ninth graders by their necks.
"He's a gifted beatboxer and Foley artist."
"See you later mom! I got hair growing out of my arms!"
Jessica Budweiser's F-Bomb Beer Kick
Jessica Budweiser explains her family's dark legacy and her assembly climax where she uses profanity to shock students while calling their parents on speakerphone.
"Budweiser is a wretched plague upon the world."
"Kids, what the fuck do you think this is?"
The Paper Ambulance Controversy
Sissy describes her role driving a 'paper ambulance' that gives students thousands of paper cuts, leading to a heated debate with Peter about the ethics of anti-ambulance propaganda.
"The ambulance is the enemy because the ambulance is part of the problem."
"I hate the anti-ambulance propaganda that we push."
Regional Dialects of the Chugger
The assembly performers discuss how their mascot, Snarfy the Chugger, has to change names based on regional dialects and school districts, ranging from Snuffy to Snooki.
"In Louisiana we call him Snooki."
"New Jersey Snoopy is New York's hey get out of here Snacky."
The Moana Drunk Driving Crossover
The group recalls a time they pivoted their entire assembly to feature Moana dying in a drunk driving accident to capitalize on the movie's opening weekend.
"Make the person who dies Moana."
"I'm a big slug."
The Salem Road Trip Anthem
The performers sing their traditional car ride song, an alphabet-based chant about going to Salem and not drinking beer, which Peter finds deeply confusing.
"S sipping on a nice cold beer. A everywhere there's some beer."
"Wake up sheeple it's time to stop drinking."
The Gabe Breakup Fallout
Sissy reveals she used to date their travel coordinator, Gabe, and the group discusses the logistical nightmare of driving six separate cars after their fights.
"Gabe and I used to fuck."
"He'd order us six separate cars and we have to drive to the place with six cars."
The Dangers of Tired Driving and Beatboxing Trauma
Sissy proposes an assembly on tired driving, while Peter Hurlowitz expresses his desire to stop beatboxing in a car seat, which he finds harrowing to relive.
"Even when I drive the fake ambulance I'm exhausted."
"I'd like to maybe get out of the car seat and lose some of the drunk driving parts of it."