Stuben Macadamia
Highlight Bits & Quotes
12Samantha's Second Act Clientele and Utensil-Free Cooking
Samantha explains her niche cooking for divorced women in their 'second act.' She reveals her technique for making paper-thin ravioli by slamming her fists like an ape and her refusal to use utensils to save clients money.
"I don't work with women on their first marriage because that's when things get tough."
"She slams both of her fists down on the pasta like an ape."
"I'll turn her hand into a kind of ladle and she'll stick it directly into hot soup."
Dusty's Rock Star Chaos and Stuben's Harvard Pedigree
Dusty describes bringing 'line cook chaos' to aging rock stars' kitchens. Stuben brags about attending the Harvard School of Deep Frying and his job peeling grapes for celebrities at Republic.
"They want the vibe of a messy dirty grungy barn and grill."
"I attended the Harvard School of Deep Frying."
"I was in charge of peeling grapes, eggs, anything that needed to be peeled."
The Great Gusher Cooking Masterclass
The chefs debate the proper way to gourmet-cook a Fruit Gusher. Techniques include the Stella Adler method of melting fruit roll-ups, corn syrup beurre blanc with contact lenses, and wrapping them in flaky pastry like a Wellington.
"I'm going to Wellington that thing, I'm going to wrap it in a flaky pastry."
"You get a tiny hose and you rinse out the inside of it."
"The skin without the juice is ghastly."
The Great Chickpea Debate
The chefs discuss the various names for garbanzo beans, ranging from 'chickpeas' to 'Zaboomafu's little treats' and the controversial 'gay nuts.'
"I call them Zaboomafu's little treats."
"I call them gay nuts for my clients."
"There's so many different ways to be a chef."
The Four-Question Final Gauntlet
The panel struggles to decide on a final question, eventually deciding to answer four different questions simultaneously in a rapid-fire, chaotic sequence.
"We're lost in the sauce!"
"If I were a meal, I would be a flirty mushroom."
"My perfect dinner is a New York hot dog and a bag of cashews."
The Civil Rights Sprite and Fresh Caught Yogurt
The chefs discuss the absurd demands of their celebrity clients, including John Mellencamp's request for a vintage 1969 'Civil Rights Sprite' and clients who want Greek yogurt 'fresh caught' like a wild animal.
"John Mellencamp wanted a very specific Sprite that was made in 1969 to taste just like that summer."
"They wanted me to get Greek yogurt fresh caught and I don't really know how to do that."
Iron Chipping and the Vons Club Card
Stuben reveals he sources iron for his boss by literally chipping it off a piece of iron from an East Asian mine, while Stuart admits she just goes to Vons because Lisa Rinna loves it.
"He likes his iron supplements literally chipped from a piece of iron."
"I have a Vons Club card and I go to Vons."
Brian Cox's Looney Tune Traps
Stuben explains why he can't work for Brian Cox, who constantly sets elaborate, Wile E. Coyote-style traps involving Concord grapes and painted tunnels to try and kidnap a chef.
"He keeps setting Looney Tune style traps."
"Sometimes he'll draw a beautiful elaborate tunnel on a wall and as I try to walk through it he tries to get me with a big old net."
Angry Ice Cream and the Harvard School of Frying
Samantha describes her 'Angry Ice Cream' made from the milk of a cow with a short fuse, while Stuben admits he only learned how to fry at the Harvard School of Frying.
"I go to this cow that has a lot of issues. Anger issues."
"They only taught me to fry at Harvard School of Frying."
The Epidermal Security Chip
Stuben reveals he is physically unable to leave the compound due to a computer chip under his skin that freezes his legs like a shopping cart if he crosses the boundary.
"If I walk outside of the boundary, my legs will freeze up like I'm a shopping cart."
"A computer chip, not a potato chip."
Dubai Mixer Plans and Sign-Off
The chefs discuss their upcoming industry mixer in Dubai and their planned outfits before Stuart delivers his signature 'show business' sign-off.
"I've bought a million different kinds of leaves and I'm going to cook them."
"Now that's why they call it show business. Goodnight Hollywood!"
The Solitary Life of Private Chefs and the Compound Hounds
The chefs discuss the isolation of their profession and the annual mixer. Stuben reveals he is kept on a Beverly Hills compound where 'chef hounds' are loosed if he tries to steal steaks or escape.
"My boss signed an NDA, can't say the name, and keeps me on the compound 24/7."
"If I take too many steak, the alarm goes off, the hounds are loosed."
"My hounds were loosed in the Hamptons."