Tyler
assistant to Darlene Saks Webber (Andrew Lloyd Webber's Wife)
Highlight Bits & Quotes
10The Longboard NDA and Shirley Temple Projectiles
Tyler describes her boss Darlene's habit of throwing Shirley Temples at her forehead, which Tyler attempts to block with a longboard. This led to a legal standoff where Tyler forced her boss to sign a 'lie' NDA.
"She loves to throw Shirley Temples at my head. Full glass of Shirley Temple. Take it and chuck it."
"She'll just stop what she's doing and she'll say waiter can I get a Shirley Temple extra ice"
"That's less of an NDA and more of like a lie"
"When that longboard hit her face and it ruined her Botox she scared the shit out of me"
Miley's Lemur Stockholm Syndrome
Jimmy Joan recounts a harrowing experience being emotionally manipulated by one of Miley Cyrus's lemurs, which led to a drinking spiral at Hollywood parties.
"I don't want to blow your load"
"Blow your load... it's kind of like change your mind about something"
"Inception really blew my load"
"He Stockholm syndromed the shit out of me."
The Jelly Bean Room and Nobu Punishments
The assistants compare their specific tortures. Melissa Sara is forced to count jelly beans one by one at the CWA office, while Scotty Stephens is 'punished' with high-end sushi at Nobu to show him the life he might lose.
"The assistants are made to count jelly beans one by one until they get through the whole jar"
"If I screw up she pampers me and she shows me the life that I will give up if I ever screw up again"
"I crave her for her structure... like you crave a subway system"
Audio Flashcards and the Night Time Incident
Melissa Sara explains her routine of providing 'audio flashcards' to her boss Debbie, who doesn't know where she is. A mistake led to Debbie referring to her own son as 'Night Time' for an entire day.
"She referred to her son as night time when she was talking about a violin recital"
"It's sort of like audio flash cards because she doesn't know where she is at any given moment"
Miley Cyrus's Lemurs and Button Vests
Jimmy Joan reveals he lives in Miley Cyrus's back house and assists her friends. He describes a system where Miley's dogs and lemurs wear button vests to call him when they get lost in Los Feliz.
"Each of them carry around a little button vest"
"I just hear a button where where where where where where where"
The Sahara Desert Sighting
Melissa Sara receives a cryptic photo of Debbie Bacon in the Sahara Desert with a man who could be James Marsden, Jason Sudeikis, or Harry Connick Jr.
"I think she's in the Sahara Desert."
"They all three of them look so similar: James Marsden, Jason Sudeikis, and Harry Connick Jr."
The Shirley Temple Ambush
Tyler returns to the table soaking wet, revealing that Debbie Bacon tricked her into a meeting only to throw a massive water-based Shirley Temple in her face.
"She threw a huge water-based Shirley Temple at my face."
"It was a huge fat trick."
The Sinful Secret Circle
The assistants confess their darkest crimes committed for their bosses, including murder, planting drugs on a son for rehab occupancy, and animal taxidermy fraud.
"I killed a man for Debbie Bacon because his screenplay was so bad."
"I'll just buy new animals and just paint them like the old ones."
Tyler's Skateboard Serfdom
Tyler recounts how she became the assistant to Andrew Lloyd Webber's wife after a skateboarding accident, leading to a life of keeping dark secrets and performing Shakespearean monologues for contract renewals.
"I ate the divorce papers, Charles. I ate them with ketchup and they tasted good."
The Assistant Roundtable Roll-Call
The panel of high-stakes Hollywood assistants introduces themselves, revealing the extreme measures they take to stay connected, including phones hidden in shoes and Google contact lenses.
"I actually have a second phone in my shoe that I can get out at any point. I just have to cut my shoe open."