Birdie Haverlacockus
A night-shift on-set teacher for 'The Swamping' who teaches ghoulish children at 3:00 AM.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
13The Fantastic Seven and Sleep Paralysis Demons
Birdie reveals he is an identical septuplet from a famous Time Magazine feature. The group discusses how child actors view their on-set teachers as sleep paralysis demons due to seeing them only during grueling night shoots.
"You're scared of me? You're a ghoul in my classroom! You have barnacles on your eyes!"
"I was shopping with my three brothers for a Super Bowl party... he saw four of me at once."
"You were one of the Time Magazine's Fantastic Seven!"
Dua Lingo and the Hot English Language
The teachers discuss 'Dua Lingo,' a language app by Dua Lipa that teaches 'Hot English.' Birdie and Louise demonstrate the language, which consists of breathy, flirtatious nonsense words.
"That's different than Duolingo, right? Because that's Dua Lipa's new language app."
"It's sort of like a type of English that's used by like sexy bisexual women."
"Darling, what is that in your hair, darling? Oh my god, mousse."
The Firefly Ghoul and Night Teacher Lanterns
Eugene recounts being fired by a child star playing a Firefly Ghoul and explains the 'freaky' culture of night teachers who carry large lanterns.
"She got me fired for a day."
"Usually you have to have a big lantern and you say come with me kids."
"I just don't use my chest for stuff like that."
Final Industry Advice for Child Stars
The teachers offer parting advice, ranging from avoiding 'gossip grips' to not bringing report cards to auditions, as they have no actual power.
"Life is a marathon, it's not a sprint."
"Bringing your report card to the audition is going to do nothing."
"I'm a way out of labor laws for the set."
The Reverse Barney and the Expo Marker Kick
Birdie admits he has a vibe that makes children want to kick him, describing himself as a 'Reverse Barney.' Sarah Beth attempts to kick him with her 'Expo marker' foot.
"I'm like reverse Barney in a way."
"My left foot is one big Expo marker for kids to use on my breast."
"That's why they call it Showbiz!"
The Magnet Syllabus and Live-Dubbing Nicolas Cage
Louise details her syllabus which involves using lassos and magnets to wrangle children. She admits to live-dubbing Nicolas Cage movies from behind a sheet to trick the kids into learning history.
"I'm going to be using big magnets to sort of reel you guys in."
"I am doing a live dub of Nicolas Cage movies. I am behind a sheet with a microphone."
Roblox Cancellations and the Albert Einstein Protocol
The panel discusses the tragedy of child stars getting cancelled on Roblox for political comments. Birdie explains a protocol involving Albert Einstein and sticking kids in cars to teach them lessons.
"He said Hillary Clinton 2024 on Roblox and it just ruined his career."
"Don't let them cry because they've been in makeup for 12 hours."
The Albert Einstein Car Example
Eugene clarifies a confusing hypothetical involving Albert Einstein being stuck in a car to teach a child a lesson, which he claims is based on a historical letter.
"The guy in the car, it's Albert Einstein."
"Is this based on a historical event or is this just sub-a-letter?"
Breaking the 'Slow Child Actor' Stereotype
Louise McIntyre explains that child actors are actually incredibly fast, especially now that they are all on Adderall, making them move like heat-seeking missiles.
"On Adderall, it's almost like they're a missile."
Eugene Frank: The Trauma-Informed Math Teacher
Eugene Frank discusses his role on the gritty HBO show 'Mystery Kids,' where he must incorporate the children's onset trauma into their math problems.
"I incorporate their trauma into the math problems."
The Horrors of 'The Swamping' Night Shoots
Birdie Haverlacockus describes the nightmare of teaching 12 spooky kids covered in moss and frog eggs at 3:00 AM for a show greenlit for 15 more seasons.
"It's like I'm trying to get my paralysis demons to learn something."
Roblox Cancellations and the Albert Einstein Protocol (Part 2)
The panel discusses the tragedy of child stars getting cancelled on Roblox for political comments. Birdie explains a protocol involving Albert Einstein and sticking kids in cars to teach them lessons.
"The guy in my example, by the way, it was Albert Einstein, so it would have been fine."
The Germ-Ridden Vessels of Hollywood
The panel of on-set teachers introduces the unique challenges of their profession, specifically the fact that child actors are biological weapons of germs and talent.
"These kids are vessels for both talent and germs."