Cassie
The marketing lead who is 'literally everyone' and developed statistical vanilla.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14The Waymo Whiteboard and the Side Piece Solution
The panel discusses the ethical dilemma of Waymo souls and choice, revealing they solved the 'love' problem by giving the AI a side piece girlfriend it doesn't care about.
"Right now we're trying to figure out if Waymos have souls"
"We decided to give the Waymo a side piece"
"I wrote Waymo wearing clown wig and I looked back and it said Lyle they don't believe in you like I do"
Waymo X Matcha X Charlie XCX Collab
The marketing plan shifts to focus entirely on Waymos as the audience, featuring banana split car washes and designated 'unpopular' USC interns for the cars to hit.
"We are getting humans that you can hit"
"There are interns from University of Southern California"
"Don't form all together and start kind of like a rail car in the middle of LA again"
Waymo: The Way Movie Features and Perversions
A rapid-fire list of movie features for AI cars reveals that Waymos are actually perverts who enjoy watching wheels pop and have horns designed for 'horny stuff'.
"The horn is for horny stuff"
"When the car honks, it's coming"
"They bump me with their bumpers on my ass"
Disrupting Hollywood with Driverless Cinema
The panel explains their 'tech-based filmmaking' approach, which involves disrupting media like the stock market and utilizing a 1.2.5 billion dollar slush fund to make movies more efficient.
"We attack it the way you would attack the stock market."
"We're making Hollywood a better passenger experience."
The 500 Days of Summer Efficiency Audit
The team critiques '500 Days of Summer' for being too long and emotional, suggesting it should have been a one-minute vertical video where the plot is summarized immediately to save time.
"Tell me the plot. Summarize the plot for me then end the movie."
"They fight. That's end of sentence. That took me two seconds to say."
AI Script Competitions and Statistical Vanilla
Arthur describes making different AIs fight each other to write the script, while Cassie introduces 'Statistically Perfect' vanilla ice cream developed by averaging every existing brand.
"It's fun to make them compete."
"Can you imagine a vanilla that is statistically perfect?"
The Waymo Wangler and Stop Sign Previews
Lyle JK explains his role as a 'Waymo Wangler' who teaches cars how to act, while the team discusses unskippable movie trailers that play whenever a Waymo stops at a stop sign.
"I'm a part-time human and a full-time Wangler."
"We are putting an end to the California stop."
Robot Issues and the BDSM of Humanity
The panel discusses their frustration with movies portraying robots as evil, suggesting humans have 'robot issues' and a subconscious desire to be dominated by machines.
"Your microwave isn't trying to kill you, honey."
"As opposed to mommy issues or daddy issues, we think the real problem is robot issues."
The Waymo Movie Pitch: Artificial Sophistication
The group pitches a movie about a Waymo car that cooks its own gas using 'Artificial Sophistication' (AS) and talks to its microwave.
"Waymos cook their gas. They cook their gas every morning."
"Not only do Waymos have AI, they also use AS: Artificial Sophistication."
The Waymo World of Wonder and the Speed Limit Villain
The plot thickens as the Waymo protagonist reveals its tragic backstory: it wants to drive fast, but is oppressed by the villainous local government speed limits.
"You know what speed limits do? They kill dreams."
"More things is always better than less things."
The Compilation Movie and 'Waiter' the Mater Clone
The panel decides the movie should be a compilation of every car scene ever filmed, featuring a character named 'Waiter' based on Mater from Cars.
"His name is Waiter. He's like an old clunky car that's driven by an ugly fat man."
"You could watch 10 movies or you could just watch the Waymo movie and you will have seen all of them."
Robot Eugenics and the Sky Whistle
A dark turn into the social hierarchy of autonomous delivery bots, involving a caste system and drones that form giant whistles in the sky to referee robot wars.
"Between the Waymos and those little food cars, there's a little bit of eugenics going on."
"Sometimes it joins with its buddies and builds a whistle in the sky."
The Waymo Titanic Dream Sequence
The group describes a dream sequence where a Waymo Titanic avoids the iceberg by using its blinker, solving the plot hole of class conflict by making everyone rich robots.
"If Titanic was robot operated, it would be saved."
"Jack and Rose would never be together because Jack is poor and Rose is rich. So, in this one, they're both rich."
The Silicon Valley Class Clowns Arrive
The creative team behind 'Waymo: The Movie' introduces themselves using Gen-Z corporate slang, discussing their 'sat AF' energy and 'out of pocket' behavior while high on ADHD medication.
"I am sat AF."
"Arthur on his meds is literally me."
"I'm feeling like it's a Craig Friday."