Characters
34
makes entrepreneurial content, focused around morning routines.
1 appearancetheme park mama who plays Gumption Ghost, the mayor
1 appearancewriter of sexy Christmas songs.
1 appearanceaka Dotty the Christmas Crab
1 appearanceThe matriarch of the Dershowitz family who married into the name and manages her daughters' dramatic lives.
1 appearance
finds obscure new Marvel heroes for future films/TV Shows
1 appearancefounder of the Bite and Like workshop
1 appearance
who has worked at Wish Upon a Burger for 55 years.
1 appearance
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! We hope you’re spending the day cozy on the couch, trading gifts, and reveling in some good old fashioned holiday magic with your loved ones. So grab the hot cocoa, light a seasonal candle, and snuggle down for a marathon of our most seasonal episodes. Even introduce it to your cat or your uncle for some prime holiday bonding!
1 appearanceRyan Murphy's older sister
1 appearance
Lucky ducks, it's another AOAOAOA marathon, this time spearheaded by the one, the only, Kylie Brakeman! We cackle while revisiting her Final Four of favorite episodes - Academy Award Voters, We AlL pLaYeD tHe JoKeR, Weathermen, and Vegas Performers. We talk about Angela breaking all the rules of improv with Bitch Nanny, we build a Joker house together, Jeremy drops some major lore about Barbara Anne Delight, and we record 15 episodes in a weekend. Get in on the jokes, go watch, and hope it doesn't rain!
1 appearanceexecutive
1 appearanceproducer and distant relative of Red Foo
1 appearanceThe #1 on the call sheet who voices every little boy on the show, including Melvin the Scientist and Rat Dog.
1 appearance
It’s a JEREMY MARATHON day! To celebrate Jeremy and his new adventure (but don’t worry, even New York can’t get between him and this pod) we’ve rounded up four of Jeremy’s favorite AOAOAOA episodes for a Jarathon - Love is Blind, Clock It, Eurovision, and True Crime Podcasters. Between episodes is some juicy juicy BTS - Jeremy loses his mind over telling time and laughs so much that he sobs remembering the Eurovision episode. Kylie also fights for her life with Paul F. Tompkins and the gang remember filming podcasts in a hotel lobby fishbowl and what we used to think was a “professional recording set up.” We DON’T show you Jeremy’s feet or his Subway commercials with Marshawn Lynch that have never seen the light of day but we do show you where you can find both - the Patreon of course! This whole episode is like riding a bull so strap in!
1 appearanceHost of "Cute Crimes"
1 appearance
the titular cozy pope in The Cozy Pope
1 appearance
actor from old western movies
1 appearance
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! We hope you’re spending the day cozy on the couch, trading gifts, and reveling in some good old fashioned holiday magic with your loved ones. So grab the hot cocoa, light a seasonal candle, and snuggle down for a marathon of our most seasonal episodes. Even introduce it to your cat or your uncle for some prime holiday bonding!
1 appearance
Speaker, Mother, Lover, and Friend.
1 appearance
A multi-hyphenate who claims to have a medical guarantee that she cannot fart, which helped her book a role in Spiderman.
1 appearance
Lucky ducks, it's another AOAOAOA marathon, this time spearheaded by the one, the only, Kylie Brakeman! We cackle while revisiting her Final Four of favorite episodes - Academy Award Voters, We AlL pLaYeD tHe JoKeR, Weathermen, and Vegas Performers. We talk about Angela breaking all the rules of improv with Bitch Nanny, we build a Joker house together, Jeremy drops some major lore about Barbara Anne Delight, and we record 15 episodes in a weekend. Get in on the jokes, go watch, and hope it doesn't rain!
1 appearancethe Cupcake Mafia and a host/judge of the show
1 appearance
40 years old. She was born the same year as Back to the Future, leading her parents to name her after the character. She recently moved into a cave and has switched to a Paleo/Caveman diet.
1 appearance
aka Christian Joker
1 appearanceStreaming Executive of Sweetgreen's new streaming service, Sg+
1 appearanceprovides walla for unsavory background characters (henchmen, goons, mafia men, people generally plotting and scheming)
1 appearance
writer of Waiting for One Sister. By the Long, Dark Pier.
1 appearance
Matt Lanyard
1 appearanceLucky ducks, it's another AOAOAOA marathon, this time spearheaded by the one, the only, Kylie Brakeman! We cackle while revisiting her Final Four of favorite episodes - Academy Award Voters, We AlL pLaYeD tHe JoKeR, Weathermen, and Vegas Performers. We talk about Angela breaking all the rules of improv with Bitch Nanny, we build a Joker house together, Jeremy drops some major lore about Barbara Anne Delight, and we record 15 episodes in a weekend. Get in on the jokes, go watch, and hope it doesn't rain!
1 appearance
the Halloween Act representing Norway performing their song The Spooky Goblin's Lament
1 appearancenow broken-up with Orny
1 appearancehead of Human Stories at LG Washers and Driers,
1 appearancecostumer designer for The Disney Channel
1 appearanceHighlight Bits
20The Rhetorical Answer and Collective Breath
The business influencers establish their presence through aggressive mindfulness, 'statement-fying' questions, and inventing the 'rhetorical answer'—an answer that requires no question.
"What if we answered all questions rhetorically and actually answered them intentionally?"
"A rhetorical answer is an answer that did not need a question."
"I can smell this energy. It is a mix of perfume, cologne, sweat, tears, and grind."
The 6.7 Point Program and Collective Gaslighting
The panel pivots to aggressive motivation, telling the audience they are 'sick and bad' while promoting a 6.7 point program (which is actually 67 points) to fix their worthless lives.
"My point program, it's a six-point-seven point program. That's 67 points."
"You are less than worms in the dirt."
"Say sorry to everyone you have sex with."
The Infinite Degree Loop
Hundred Thousand Million explains the academic structure of his program, which involves an endless recursive loop of bachelor's, master's, and doctorates that eventually devolves into 'jazz.'
"Your doctor doctor doctorate."
"When you're 60 years in it starts to feel like jazz."
"It's free form, baby."
The Depot Center Blu-ray Strategy
Hundred Thousand Million explains that his content is so powerful it cannot be shipped; fans must travel to the 'Depot Center' to pick up physical Blu-rays because shipping is a 'low vibration' middleman activity.
"We do not do shipping at this time."
"All postage workers are middlemen."
"That's low vibration."
The Hard-Boiled Egg Face Plunge
Archer Saint reveals her 10:30 PM morning routine, which involves plunging her face into a bowl of 16 hard-boiled eggs to activate somatic lymph nodes while praying at high speed to the Catholic God.
"I wake up every day at 10:30 p.m."
"Hard-boiled egg face plunge."
"I am praying as fast as I possibly can."
The Vending Machine Paywall
Archer Saint explains that her morning routine is stored in a physical vending machine to ensure it lasts forever, and she pays her own paywall every morning to find out what to do next.
"I feed the vending machine every single morning to access the paywall."
"That's a one-for-one return rate."
"High pedestal."
The 6.7 Sales Simulation
F introduces himself as a sales master and runs a simulation where Archer Saint and Hundred Thousand Million must sell him a button and a coffee cup, resulting in verbal abuse and 'hot girl energy' coaching.
"You should be ashamed to blink."
"Bring the hot girl energy."
"Nobody has ever gotten it right in the history of sales."
The 4:00 AM Lasagna Bake
Archer Saint describes her partner Evissera, a horse trainer who joins her for a 4:00 AM lasagna bake to clear their somatic heads. The panel discusses the necessity of non-linear time management for entrepreneurs.
"This is when we do our lasagna bake."
"I live three days for every ordinary person's one day."
"Lasagna in the morning, horses in the afternoon."
Psychic Box Turtle Partnership
Hundred Thousand Million reveals his business partner is a box turtle with whom he psychically communicates. He pitches his 'Grade 18' turtle communication course which costs $400 per afternoon.
"It's a box turtle because it's somebody who's just with me every step of the way."
"Turtle communications is like grade 18."
"It's $400 per afternoon."
The Legend of Ickman
Graham Gunt discusses his viral TikTok infamy as 'Ickman' due to his bizarre Hinge voice memos. He plays several examples where he uses strange character voices to invite women to various Social Clubs.
"They're calling me Ickman."
"You must be this tall to ride me. I'm just kidding."
"I have a Chablis waiting for you."
Money Metabolism and Thought Arbitrage
The panel discusses their net worth, describing money as a 'metabolism' or 'lazy river.' F attempts to out-earn the others by assigning exponential dollar values to his own thoughts.
"Money is metabolism."
"I'm up $10 million and your butt is baloney on the side of the curb."
"Everything I have is liquid because I put it all back into what I do."
The 10-Intensity Motivational Roll Call
The panel introduces themselves with extreme, unearned intensity, demanding the audience 'tap the hell in' and celebrating the simple act of getting in a car to record a podcast.
"I need everybody to tap the hell in right now."
"Hundreds of people today decided to not do a podcast."
"We all got in the car. You got in the car!"
Tommy Jacobson: Personal Trainer of the Mind
Tommy pitches his 'Tommy Tomorrow's Future' workshop and his podcast 'The Daily Now,' which consists of 120,000 episodes of him drinking water and being clipped mid-sentence.
"Today we don't play the day."
"What does tomorrow hold? The future."
"We have a database of over 120,000 episodes."
The Two Ghosts Method
Larissa McCamera recounts a near-death experience with a big rig that led her to see two disappointed ghosts, inspiring her to start a skincare line and a podcast immediately.
"Those ghosts looked at me like this: 'For shame.'"
"I had to start a skincare line immediately."
"Who are the two ghosts in your life?"
Mackencheez's 'Make a Mess' Philosophy
Mackencheez introduces her chaotic brand of motivation which involves physical outbursts and destroying art, while claiming to be from Dallas despite a thick New Jersey accent.
"We're gonna make a fucking mess!"
"Put your anus down and kick up."
"I am proudly from Dallas."
"What if I just fucking made a mess?"
Food as Motivation and the Childhood Fall
Larissa reveals her origin story: a childhood fall led her to realize life is too short for vegetables, advocating for a diet of Snickers and Twix. Tommy pitches 'Alpha Brain' supplements.
"I didn't want to spend it eating Brussels sprouts."
"Alpha Brain... it is like taking Limitless in a little capsule form."
"Do you want to be eating like you have 10 lives?"
The 30-Second Motivational Optimization
The panel discusses how their motivational styles are optimized for the social media age, specifically 23-second clips, before they inevitably derail into nonsense.
"We all have a good 30 seconds and then everything starts derailing."
"We are optimized for the social media age."
"I used AI to generate a version of myself who doesn't fall."
The Two Ghost Method and Color Theory Advice
The speakers take a call from 'Emily' regarding a Sadie Hawkins dance. Larissa introduces the 'Two Ghost Method' (the Virgin and the Whore), while Tommy and Daniella argue over color-coded life advice.
"Every woman has inside herself two base ghosts: the virgin and the whore."
"I'd tell you to fucking shave your head."
"Be love under everything. Blue. Blue. Blue."
Justin Timberlake's Boy Scout Career Pivot
A caller claiming to be Justin Timberlake asks for advice on pivoting to leading Boy Scout trips. The panel responds with conflicting advice about 'impulse' and 'emptying the cookie jar.'
"This was Justin Timberlake."
"To impulsively push is to be baby."
"I want you to empty the cookie jar so we could fill it back up with flowers."
"You, Justin Timberlake, are normal."
The Spark into Kai Philosophy
Tommy Jacobson breaks down his 'SPARK' acronym and the concept of 'Kai' energy, reminiscing about how young Justin Timberlake had 'Kai up the wazoo' despite being white.
"Spark. S-P-A-R-K. Spark."
"He had Kai up the wazoo."
"You were white, brother. You shouldn't have been doing that, but it worked."