Fast Food Streaming Networks (with Brennan Lee Mulligan and Izzy Roland)
Cast & Characters (6)
Bits & Timeline (17)
Fast Food Streaming Executives Roll Call
The panel of fast food development executives introduces themselves and their respective streaming platforms, including SG+ for Sweetgreen and Habit Burger 4.
"We are making content for girls and their boyfriends."
"Habit Burger 4 is for white people who love Hawaii and what Hawaii stands for."
The Baskin-Robbins Digital Boat Mystery
Blake Slate and his 'Wife's Friend' join the call from a boat, refusing to explain where Blake's wife is while claiming to be highly media trained.
"There's not enough space on the boat for my wife's friend to not be in the shot."
"I am media trained, so I have answered several phones and been on several computers."
CPK's Vaudeville Strategy and Adderall Soup
Balboa Derek introduces CPK Film and Television, revealing they've bought the rights to the Three Stooges and serve Adderall-infused tortilla soup.
"CPK: where the wackies can be wacky."
"There is Adderall in the tortilla soup I order from my kitchen specifically."
Baskin-Robbins' Office Extortion Scheme
Blake Slate reveals that Baskin-Robbins Digital owns 'The Office' and deletes one episode forever every day they don't gain 100,000 followers.
"Every day that we don't get 100,000 followers, we delete an episode permanently from the world."
"This is actually extortion, which is kind of fun."
Cracker Barrel's 36-Hour Giant Checkers Universe
Derek Junior David pitches a massive content slate centered around giant checkers, including a 4-hour celebrity car-ride stream and a sleep-talking podcast.
"We have this special thing where we give them food that makes them talk in their sleep."
"It's a 36-hour podcast. I can't wait."
Habit Burger 4: Hawaii for White People
Chuck Kalahuaa pitches the new slate for Habit Burger 4, including a mystery show starring Matthew Fox and Jorge Garcia from Lost, while explaining that the restaurant is essentially Hawaii for white people.
"There's nothing more Hawaii for white people than Santa Barbara, California."
"About 85% of our actors are sourced from Lost."
The Tufts Talking Major and Boat Cameras
Blake Slate and his Wife's Friend discuss their 'Talking' degrees from Tufts and the technical limitations of their streaming setup, which involves a DSLR welded to a boat.
"My wife's friend majored in talking at Tufts."
"We can't move the camera. It is welded to this corner."
Generative AI Relatives and Pine-Sol Ads
Baskin Robbins Digital reveals a terrifying new feature where generative AI uses your dead relatives to sell you Pine-Sol, leading to a discussion about owning family members as IP.
"Your dead relatives using generative AI tell you about Pine-Sol."
"We own your family."
The Memory of Steamboat Willie at CPK
Balboa Derek describes a meeting with the literal memory of Steamboat Willie, which manifested as foam at a Gersh meeting, while Blake Slate explains the strategy of 'defensive generals' to trap Wes Anderson.
"I had a meeting with a memory of Steamboat Willie."
"He's been in 10 hours of general meetings every day with us for the past eight years."
Sweetgreen's Military-Grade Dating Quips
Miranda Ofthegreen reveals Sweetgreen is working with the US military to engineer the perfect dating quip to algorithmically capture the minds of America through emotional manipulation.
"Sweetgreen is working with the US military."
"We are trying to engineer the perfect dating quip to algorithmically capture the minds and imagination of America."
The Adderall Soup Assessment
Miranda Ofthegreen attempts to diagnose Balboa Derek's erratic behavior, leading to a debate about holistic medicine and the necessity of medication being administered by a Sherpa.
"Go get me Adderall soup!"
"Nobody should be on medication that isn't given by a Sherpa."
Baskin-Robbins' Social Security Virus
Blake Slate explains how Baskin-Robbins recouped a $3,000 marketing loss by deploying a QR code virus that hollows out customers' Social Security, generating billions in revenue.
"The QR code led to a virus that hollows out your Social Security."
"We probably made 30 or 40 billion in the first week."
Grounded: The Brandon Sanderson Incident
Blake Slate reveals the origin of the word 'grounded' in development: his wife's friend kicking fantasy author Brandon Sanderson in the head to remove the magic from his IP.
"My wife's friend kicked him right in the head and screamed 'grounded' at the top of her lungs."
"Get rid of magic, tone it down, scale it back."
The Food Court on TV Merger
Chuck pitches a disruptive content model called 'Food Court on TV' where brands pay for 30-second interstitials to market products within a shared, AI-respawning show.
"So this is a food court on TV?"
"We're harvesting their data, we're harvesting their eyeballs, we're harvesting their organs."
The Boat People and the Store Pitch
Blake Slate pitches a physical location for IP engagement involving ice cream, while accidentally revealing he has a boat full of people desperate to escape. Chuck insists on hiring cheap lookalikes instead of original actors.
"We have so many people on the boat desperate to get off."
"I think he just described a store."
"I'll only do it if it's not the original actors... I want somebody else that's very cheap."
The Giraffe Mind Meld
Kylie and Jeremy demonstrate the 'fun games' available on their Patreon by performing a suspiciously fast and accurate telepathy trick involving a giraffe.
"Jeremy, what am I thinking of?"
"Giraffe."
"Exactly! Please sign up."
Uncle Sam's Patreon Recruitment
The hosts pivot from a standard outro to a high-pressure military recruitment parody where Kylie claims to be Uncle Sam and threatens the audience with their own social security numbers.
"This is the United States Army asking you a message."
"My name is Uncle Sam. I have your social security number."
"Do you want to let them win?"