Crystal Bacon
A mysterious riddle-spinner who is secretly a Harvard professor in the Classical Studies department.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14The Mystery of the Island Ham
The contestants discuss the bizarre living conditions in the boys' room, specifically the presence of massive amounts of unclaimed 'island ham' and the girls' restricted diet of hard cantaloupe and Sweetgreen.
"A lot of loose ham."
"Big production was like, 'That's not our ham.'"
"Hard cantaloupe. That's all we had. Mixed with cocaine, you could eat anything."
The Slut Hammock and the Jet
The group recalls the 'Slut Hammock,' a brutal sleeping arrangement located directly under a high-powered air jet designed to blow the occupant's top off.
"Every night on Sun Beach, Crush Beach, we would vote someone to sleep in the slut hammock."
"The jet is sort of intended to blow the top of the slut's top off."
"If you're a slut in the slut hammock, there's probably a reason."
The Italian Crew and the Ninja Turtle Tailors
The contestants shout out the production crew, revealing that the entire staff consisted of Italians named after pasta dishes and costumers named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"Shout out to the costumers: Michelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, and Leonardo."
"Even the fat ugly one was hot. Giuseppe."
"Our director, Ristorante Pizza Pie."
The Omen of the Olive Raven
Crystal Bacon delivers a cryptic riddle about a tree growing tits and an 'Olive Raven' that screams into the night. The group attempts to guess the name of the raven, which turns out to be Jeffrey Davis.
"It sort of seems like an omen when a tree grows tits so fast."
"The answer was Jeffrey Davis."
"That is not a relatable riddle. And of course, they love that at Harvard."
Natasha's Snapchat Reality Show
Natasha Oblongata announces her new reality show where 15 girls get plastic surgery to look like her, and one man must identify the real Natasha. It is the first reality show hosted entirely on Snapchat.
"It's the first reality television show on Snapchat."
"Are they getting plastic surgery to look like you?"
"Bukatini is my boy-catini."
The Rule Smith Revealed
Crystal Bacon reveals she was never a contestant but actually the 'Rule Smith' and 'Game Maker' of the show. She forces the remaining contestants into a 'supportive friend' coupling against their will.
"I am the rule smith. This was my twisted game."
"You can't fall in love with the game master!"
"It's a force coupling friend."
The Fortune Cookie Riddle
Crystal Bacon reveals a fortune cookie stuck in her throat containing a cryptic message. The group attempts to decode 'ILY2' with increasingly absurd guesses like 'Itty Little Yiky'.
"It's on a fortune cookie in the back of my throat."
"I think we're closest with Itty Little Yiky."
"Maybe the two is the thing that we need to break down."
The Show Business Sign-Off
The hosts break character to thank Bobby Moynihan and close out the episode with their signature 'That's why they call it show business' catchphrase and credits.
"Now that's why they call it show business."
"Thank you to our guest Bobby Moynihan."
"Good night, Hollywood."
Crystal Bacon's British Riddles
Crystal Bacon introduces herself as the mysterious girl known for confusing the men with riddles. The group discusses the low-budget nature of Crush Beach, where 'bombshells' are replaced by 'TNT guys'.
"What has 17 eyes, blinks twice, and can only be heard on the third night of morning?"
"They're not bombshells. They're TNT guys."
Hunton the Logger and the Book of Job
Hunton explains his background driving logs in Kentucky and his strategy of having eight partners. He describes himself as the 'Book of Job' of the season after America voted his partners out repeatedly.
"I don't ride logs. I drive the logs."
"I was voted the Book of Job of the season."
Trunx's Dark Past and Harvard Riddles
Trunx casually confesses to multiple murders before he changed his name. Crystal Bacon reveals she is actually a Harvard professor in the Classics department who uses riddles to identify evil students.
"I killed a bunch of ladies."
"We pay so much to go to Harvard and you were not there."
The Relationship Jet Ski Clip
The contestants review 'footage' from the Relationship Jet Ski, which is revealed to be two jet skis saran-wrapped together. The clip features a bizarre, high-tension argument about a mother's visit and stolen shampoo.
"The relationship jet ski is just two jet skis saran wrapped together."
"Who has two eyes, one mouth, and is mad right now?"
Situationship Inlet
The contestants believe they are unlocking a lockbox to fly home, only to discover they have been entered into a second game called Situationship Inlet.
"Welcome to the second game, Situationship Inlet."
"I did not sign up for this, but I am in."
The Cast of Crush Beach Reunites
The contestants of the Love Island spin-off 'Crush Beach' reunite to debrief their time in Ventura. They discuss the difficulty of seeing each other with clothes on and the trauma of the show wrapping only two hours prior.
"It's crazy to see you guys with clothes on."
"I put sand in the shoes before I left so that I could sell it on eBay, which I did."