Dallas Austin
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14The Happiest Place on Earth's Darkest Secrets
The panel of Disneyland cast members introduces themselves while navigating extreme NDAs, legal threats from Disney lawyers, and the presence of mysterious black boxes and security personnel monitoring their Zoom call.
"We had an extensive meeting with Disney's lawyers beforehand."
"There's about 15 completely black boxes on the Zoom right now."
The Physical Requirements of a Disney Princess
Dallas Jenny describes the specific physical archetype required for her track: being the thinnest, shortest person with a massive jawline and 'snow globe' eyes that provide 180-degree peripheral vision.
"I'm just blessed with a jawline that's six feet wide."
"My peripheral vision is just my vision."
The Tragic Waterboarding of the Mater Robot
Dallas Austin reveals that while Lightning McQueen is an animatronic, Mater is played by a human because the robot version failed Groundlings improv classes and was eventually waterboarded to death by Disney executives.
"They waterboarded the robot to death."
"It was holding a copy of the UCB handbook and it was sobbing."
The Magic of Name Permutations
The cast members realize that their first and last names are all permutations of each other (Dallas Jenny, Austin Gregory, Dallas Austin, Gregory Jenny), attributing the coincidence to 'Disneyland Magic' and pixie dust.
"This is what they talk about when they say Disneyland magic."
"That's just what happens when you're interacting with pixie dust all the time."
The Gaston Muscle Atrophy and Objectification
Gregory Jenny explains the physical toll of playing Gaston and the Mandalorian, noting that he only plays Carl from 'Up' to escape the constant sexual objectification from 'Disney adults'.
"I can play Carl for the rest of my life and I'm really excited about that."
"I'm getting straight up objectified every single second of every single day by Disney loving women who want to get randy with Gaston."
The Club 23 Goldfish Scandal
The cast members aggressively deny knowing anything about Club 23 before Dallas Austin snaps and reveals the exclusive secret: they have an extra bowl of Goldfish crackers.
"There's an extra bowl of goldfish that we don't get in the rest of the park. That's it. That's all."
"Are you freaking creaming your stupid Crocs because you're an idiot?"
Falling in Love with an Animatronic
Dallas Austin reveals she had a heartbreaking crush on Lightning McQueen, only to realize he was a robot. This leads to a discussion about Ned Flanders and the 'Severance' nature of working at Disney.
"I kind of developed a crush on Lightning McQueen... but it wasn't. It was just an animatronic."
"Disney zapped it out of my memory with one of those electrodes."
Hidden Mickeys and Secret Point Systems
The cast members discuss finding 'Hidden Mickeys' in the real world, including a thousand mice crossing a trail and a mouse being eaten by a snake, which apparently earns them points on a leaderboard.
"That's like Walt trying to talk to you."
"I got a lot of points for the a thousand mice I saw. That kind of put me ahead."
The Disney Dad Pipeline and Secret Service Security
Dallas Jenny explains that while the others deal with 'Disney Adults,' she is protected by a pipeline of retired Secret Service men who launch her into the sky to avoid guest interaction.
"I get retired Secret Service men. We have some of the princesses give that."
"The pipeline from Washington to Orlando or LA where they can do like a retirement job."
Moments of Magic: Gasoline and Singed Eyebrows
The cast shares 'magical' moments, including Mater drinking gasoline to comfort a shy child and Tinkerbell losing her eyebrows in a firework-related safety mishap during a Google corporate event.
"I did drink the gasoline to make him feel okay."
"I landed, both of my eyebrows were gone. But they grew back."
Mando Meets Laura Prepon and the Pineapple Dole Whip Charity
Gregory Jenny recounts a meeting with Laura Prepon, while Austin Gregory describes 'healing' a grieving family by providing them with a single, highly expensive pineapple Dole Whip to share.
"I'll never ever forget the day I met Laura Prepon."
"I could only get one for the whole family. It's really expensive."
Succession Land: Boar on the Floor and Briefcase Dole Whip
The cast pitches 'Succession Land,' a new Disney expansion featuring a 'Boar on the Floor' ride, Jeremy Strong catapulting out of a yacht, and Dole Whip served exclusively out of briefcases.
"Disneyland has recently acquired the rights to Succession and they're making a Succession Land."
"They will be selling Dole Whip out of briefcases you guys."
The Jersey Mike's Regional Manager Inspiration
Dallas Jenny introduces her brother Jonathan, who has just been hired as a regional manager at Jersey Mike's, leading to a confusing interaction about whether the cast 'plays' him or his 'costume.'
"My brother is going to be a regional manager at Jersey Mike's."
"There's nobody in the costume of me."
The Club 23 Gatekeep and Hostile Sign-off
The cast aggressively refuses to share any information about the exclusive Club 23 (Club 33), insulting the audience for expecting a post-credit sequence or insider secrets.
"Turn this episode off if you were waiting for one little snippet of a fact about Club 23."
"You thought there'd be a post-credit sequence you sick fuck."