Dana Seltzer
A high-volume Blackberry user who refuses to engage with the modern internet.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
13The Polly Awards and Skimpy Shanks
Mickey discusses the 'Polly Awards' for apologies and his work with a Roblox YouTuber named Skimpy Shanks, who has since passed into 'another plane' that is definitely not death.
"Everyone knows is the apology Awards, the Polly."
"He unfortunately has passed into another plane. He's kind of moved on."
"Let's just say it's not death. It's something else. Potentially something worse."
Lauren Conrad's Pig Fighting Scandal
A breaking news email reveals Lauren Conrad is running a pig-fighting ring. The team immediately begins spinning the crisis into a pro-vegetarianism stunt involving a slaughterhouse.
"Lauren Conrad has a bunch of pigs in her backyard and she makes them fight."
"We put her in a slaughterhouse, we give her a tripod."
"Her hair is so beautiful and the violence is going on behind her. She looks better by comparison."
The MrBeast Pig Fighting Crossover
The team discovers MrBeast was at the pig races and decides to spin the entire scandal as a new MrBeast challenge where blind people compete for 10 million dollars.
"MrBeast is the trolley. Human lives are not worth the same."
"We'll get a thousand blind people, we'll put them in this pen with the pigs that are fighting."
"Make sure he pays a pig five million dollars."
Trough Time and Final Apologies
The Mendocino Farms order arrives, and the team celebrates 'Trough Time' by dumping street coke onto their sandwiches while screaming apologies to the camera.
"It's trough time! I'm dumping the coke on top of the not-so-fried!"
"This is real bad coke and fried chicken!"
"I'm sorry as hell! I'm sorry for what I've done!"
Dicky's Demonic Cough and Logan Paul
Dicky discusses his role in Logan Paul's suicide forest scandal while Mickey and Dana suggest his persistent cough is actually a physical manifestation of suppressed bad deeds and demons.
"Are you saying my bad deeds are coming out in the form of a cough?"
"I do believe as Mickey was saying, there is darkness in you Dicky."
Dana's Blackberry and Quinn the Pre-Cog
Dana explains her refusal to use modern technology to stay 'real,' while Quinn is revealed as the firm's 'woman in the goo' who writes fictional apologies for Pixar characters to stay sharp.
"I will never own an iPhone. I will never own a computer. I've stuck with a Blackberry."
"You've kind of become for SSMK our Minority Report woman in the goo."
The Pixar Apology Prophet
Quinn reveals her process of writing apologies for Pixar characters to feel closer to the art, including a psychic apology she wrote for Dana years before Dana even owned a phone.
"Sondheim writes music, I write apologies."
"Quinn, you are quite literally the prophet of our time."
Rupi Kaur's Accidental Manslaughter
The team discusses their work for poet Rupi Kaur, specifically managing the fallout after she hit an old lady with her 'giant ass Harley' motorcycle.
"Rupi was driving her motorcycle and hit an old lady and the lady died immediately."
"The order of events should go: poem, hog, manslaughter."
The Evolution of the Notes App Apology
Dana explains the strategy of 'confusing apologies,' moving from the Notes app to PDF readers, back-of-candy-wrapper text, and search bar results to distract the public.
"The primary emotion when you experience the apology is not the apology... it's 'what are they typing this on?'"
"Nobody remembers what Billie Eilish did. It was really, really bad."
The Kevin Spacey 'Product Launch'
Mickey discusses the 'apology product launch' strategy, citing Kevin Spacey's coming out as a botched attempt to monetize a wrongdoing.
"The product he was launching was being gay."
"We were, I'm gonna be honest, coked out of our minds when we were doing that."
The Kevin Spacey Apology Binge
The team recalls being 'coked out of their minds' on street coke while drafting the Kevin Spacey apology, leading to a bizarre obsession with ordering separate Potbelly sandwiches.
"We were I'm gonna be honest coked out of our minds when we were doing that."
"Deep fry your turkey slices and bring it over stat."
The Crisis Management Roll Call
The team behind the firm Settler, Stetzer, Matzer, and Kukorf introduces themselves as the aggressive architects of celebrity apology videos, prioritizing 'Super Super Karate Kaboom' over traditional PR.
"SSMK stands for Super Super Karate Kaboom. We ignore the M and make it a K because we're aggressive with the apologies."
The Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush Disaster
The team recounts their failed attempt to humanize Ellen DeGeneres by seating her next to George W. Bush, admitting they didn't realize he started the Iraq War.
"We work for YouTubers and actors and we're reading the Bible as a textbook. We didn't know wars!"