Denise Martyr
the mother of the family, and the author of Sacrificial Lamb.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
13The Period Monster Legend
Don reveals that Denise wouldn't let him see their daughters during their periods. Denise justifies this by citing a family legend about a 'period monster' that steals finances if you log into bank accounts during that time.
"Your mother wouldn't let me see you when you were on your periods."
"A period monster would come into the night and steal the family's finances."
"I'm teaching Tilt how to use a feminine pad and I go, I got to go right now."
The Period Party Betrayal
Denise and Shandy read conflicting accounts of a 'period party' thrown for Shandy. Denise views Shandy's early period as a personal betrayal, while Shandy recalls the trauma of a ferris wheel and a clown.
"My daughter couldn't wait until I was back in town to have her period."
"I looked at mommy and the ferris wheel was spinning wild behind her head."
The Jay Leno Family Band Disaster
The family recalls their disastrous appearance on Jay Leno where they sang 'Banana Pancakes'. They watch a clip of the performance which was allegedly ruined when it went viral on Vine.
"When they cut back to Jay after the performance was done, he said, 'Woof. All right.'"
"Whoever uploaded that to Vine... that's what ruined us."
Otto's Skateboard Philosophy
Otto reads a confusing excerpt from his memoir that mixes longboarding metaphors with dating advice and a claim that 90% of women are single based on 'science'.
"Am I good enough for this world? Or will my legacy die? Just like every skateboard I've ever owned, broken on an ollie."
"Did you know that 90% of women are single? You got to put yourself out there."
Denise's 'Tight Five' Stand-up Set
The family watches a clip of Denise's failed stand-up set on Leno, which she allegedly secured by making out with Jay Leno in front of Don. The set consists entirely of setups with no punchlines.
"I'll make out with you if you let me do my tight five."
"Just to do setups. Just never hit a joke. Just all setups."
Shandy's Bunk Bed Trauma
Shandy reads a vulgar and poetic excerpt about being forced to sleep in the middle of a twin bunk bed with her brothers, focusing on the proximity of Otto's knife-like toenails.
"His toenails are in front of my two eyes. When I look at them closely, they remind me of knives."
"I hope we get a TV in here soon."
The Aruba Word Cloud
Otto Martyr recounts a traumatic family trip to Aruba where his naked body became a core memory for the family, leading to a Vulture article and a word cloud featuring the term 'one ball'.
"One ball was huge. You all used one ball."
"I didn't know people didn't only have one ball because of that moment."
Otto's Cult Past and Riverside Residency
Otto reveals the first half of his book covers his time in the Source Family cult in Hawaii, while the family realizes they live in Riverside and Temecula, which is too far to maintain a relationship.
"The cult leader died because he said God will save me and he fell off a hang glider and died."
"I'm in Riverside. What? Not too far. That's too far."
Denise's Americana Flash Mob Realization
Denise reads a chapter titled 'Pain' about living at the Americana at Brand in 2013 and regretting her life choices during a flash mob, before abruptly leaving the stage to 'do something'.
"A flash mob is appearing outside the Americana at Brand."
"I was a bad family man, band manager, a mamaager, so to speak."
The Chronic Throat Clearing of the Martyrs
Tilt attempts to read her own chapter titled 'Pain' but is constantly interrupted by the entire family aggressively clearing their throats, leading to a discussion about 'parallel thoughting'.
"We've all been clear-throated this whole time."
"Sometimes she gets jokes stuck in her throat."
The Family Song and Final Meltdown
The family attempts to turn their memoirs into a song, which quickly devolves into screaming matches, period-shaming, and Anna Konkle breaking character to discuss her actual real-life memoir.
"I hate your kids. And I hate your Melinda."
"It would have been so much more brilliant to do a satire memoir that seems totally real."
The Martyr Family Reunion and Memoir Roll-Call
The hosts introduce a group of five people who all wrote memoirs about the same shared life experiences. The Martyr family introduces themselves, revealing a history of name changes and a dysfunctional family band past.
"I changed my name to what I feel like all the time."
Red, White, and Pad: A Skateboarding Life Lesson
Otto Martyr reads a chapter from his skateboarding memoir that inexplicably focuses on his sister's first period, framing it as 'the greatest trick of all' and offering unsolicited advice to men.