Don Gripes
traffic reporter for NPR. Due to budget cuts, he also pilots the chopper himself.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14Traffic Reporting Real Life
The reporters lament their inability to turn off their professional brains, leading to them reporting on funerals, weddings, and grocery store aisles as if they were highway pileups.
"I ruined my mother's funeral. I said, 'Oh, traffic is backed up all the way down the aisle.'"
"There is a two-person pile up of news that a two-year-old without a diaper has been running around the cereal section."
"There's been an animal-style flood in the driveway."
"I've never looked a weatherman in the eye."
The Traffic Reporter Process
The panel of traffic reporters discusses their morning commutes and the 'art' of reporting, while Don Gripes immediately clashes with the group over his slow, NPR-style delivery.
"Quicker I go, the better an ad can fit in."
"I don't understand what the rush is. The cars are still."
"Feels like there's a five-car pileup in your vocal chords."
Trey Beans' 10,000-Cue Soundboard
Trey Beans demonstrates his massive soundboard, featuring insensitive sound effects for pileups and Amber Alerts, which the other reporters find both impressive and horrifying.
"I don't like your sound effect for pileup because it sounds like a big wet fart."
"Amber Alert, I'M MISSING."
"I've got a 10,000 Q soundboard."
Denise Car: The Traffic Nepo Baby
Denise Car reveals her background as an auctioneer for old men and her record-breaking 9-hour traffic fill, while explaining that KCAL 9 is run by a hive-mind of 19 old men.
"I'm a nepo baby. Born for the job, baby."
"KCAL 9 is run by 19 old men. You catch one of them, you catch all of them."
"I filled for 9 hours and 15 minutes."
Lauderdale Canada: The Helicopter Bookie
Lauderdale Canada explains her side hustle as a FanDuel bookie who uses her traffic helicopter to harass people who owe her money, including ripping off their satellite dishes.
"I'm a lesbian who loves helicopters."
"We are above your house cuz we're here for the money, you slimebag skunk."
"I run the FanDuel traffic reports."
Secret Santa Grievances
The reporters bond over the heartbreak of receiving generic Secret Santa gifts from colleagues who don't know them because they are always in helicopters. They scream 'You do not know me' at various gift reveals.
"You do not know me."
"I'm not a car guy. I just report on them."
"A bag for my chargers."
The #TrafficReportersChallenge
The group plays a game where they must deliver a traffic report while naturally integrating a brand sponsorship. Brands include Green Giant, WeTransfer, the movie Tangled, and Chili's Triple Dipper.
"I have a pile up of ideas."
"We transfer people over there all the time."
"Chili's restaurant, it's where you can eat food if you so want to."
Traffic Reporter Hot Takes
The reporters share 'hot takes' and puns, eventually devolving into a series of 'Hot Cake' wordplay gags and a confusing debate about a political slogan regarding Proposition 8.
"If everybody in traffic just went a little faster, we wouldn't have traffic."
"More like traffic reporter hot cake."
"No H on Prop 8."
The Juice is Loose (at Erewhon)
The panel reminisces about the O.J. Simpson chase, with one reporter admitting they followed the wrong white Bronco all the way to a Simi Valley mall and an Erewhon grocery store.
"Where were you when the juice was loose?"
"Uh-oh, the juice looks like the juice is stopping at an Erewhon."
"Turns out I was following the wrong Bronco."
Helicopter Fedora Flirting
The 'Eye in the Sky' camera operator gets distracted by hunger and starts flirting with other helicopters by wearing a giant spinning fedora that covers the rotor blades.
"He puts on a big helicopter fedora and he tries to ask what their age is."
"The fedora goes around the entirety of the blades."
"Stop trying to hit on that police helicopter."
Traffic Reporter Never Have I Ever
The group plays a high-stakes game of Never Have I Ever, revealing professional mishaps including reporting on rocks instead of cars and flying a helicopter barefoot.
"Never have I ever thought I was reporting on traffic turns out to be a bunch of rocks."
"I was barefoot throughout this whole report coming live from Fort Lauderdale, Canada."
"Never have I ever accidentally dropped an F bomb while on the broadcast."
The Horse Duel on La Brea
A chaotic traffic update involving horses with guns, cows with machetes, and a Waymo flash mob proposing to a Cocobot blocks every major intersection in Los Angeles.
"A horse has found a gun on La Brea."
"They are squaring up to do a horse duel."
"A Waymo is starting a Waymo flash mob and is proposing to a Cocobot."
Amber Alert: I'm Missing
As the show concludes, a performer receives an Amber Alert on their phone only to realize they are the one listed as missing, which the group treats as a career milestone.
"I just got an amber alert on my phone. I'm missing."
"Congratulations on the gig."
"That is why they call it show biz."
The Obama Intern Rule
Don Gripes complains about his terrified intern, Janice, leading to a reveal that Barack Obama passed legislation in 2008 requiring all traffic helicopters to carry a screaming intern.
"You can hear Janice screaming in the background."
"Folks, there's got to be an intern up in those copters."