Edgar Wallet
director of "Goosed", the biopic of Mother Goose.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
17The Great Egg Denial
The panel descends into chaos as Edgar Wallet insists that eggs do not exist and that Humpty Dumpty was merely a story, leading Julia to claim she died in a car crash and is currently a ghost.
"Your argument is that eggs have never existed."
"I don't exist in a corporal form, I'm dead."
"Rob is making us call it a biopicy dicky cuz he kind of loves to do that with words."
"What size is the font of these emails? Huge."
The Dedication to the Depiction of the Description
The panel of biopic directors discusses the grueling nature of their craft, including night shoots, breakfast pasta, and the philosophical debate over whether a hot dog is an omelette.
"It's the dedication to the depiction. That's so correct."
"Everything's an omelette at the end of the day."
"I'm eating dinner at a time you're eating breakfast. We're built different."
Mother Goose: The First Rock Star
Edgar Wallet introduces his biopic 'Goose,' framing Mother Goose as a rock star and sparking a heated debate over the historical reality of Humpty Dumpty.
"Mother Goose is the first rock star."
"Science has proved that he's real. They found his remains."
"Humpty Dumpty is older than time itself."
Blink 183: A 24-Hour Single Shot Deconstruction
Werner Solomoitz pitches his ambitious 24-hour uncut biopic about a band that lasted 25 minutes, featuring a 4D experience where sleeping audience members are sprayed with cold water.
"It's a four-part, six-hour, single-shot biopic."
"If anyone falls asleep, we will spray them in the face with cold water."
"It's a deconstruction of the biopic."
The Rob Dyrdek Biopic: Searching for Conflict
Didi The Four discusses his Rob Dyrdek biopic, admitting that because Dyrdek is so content, the production is struggling to find any actual dramatic conflict before picture lock.
"We're really just trying to find a kernel of pain and suffering in his life."
"It feels like a 13-minute short film."
"It's nuts up and nuts out. Get ready for a ride."
Julia Fitzmorris's Bloody Fender Bender
Julia Fitzmorris introduces her Tate McRae biopic while visibly bleeding from a horrific car accident she dismisses as a minor fender bender that insurance will handle.
"I got into a little fender bender outside, but I'm good."
"Insurance will sort all this out. My ears are burning."
"We're writing events of her life as they happen."
The Humpty Dumpty Denier and Mother Goose Hyperrealism
Edgar Wallet faces backlash for his 'preposterous' claim that Humpty Dumpty was a giant egg. He pitches a hyperrealistic Mother Goose film starring Amy Adams with jump-cut editing and a tragic backstory for Little Miss Muffet.
"You're telling me that a giant egg fell off a wall."
"Who's playing Mother Goose, dude?"
"It's live action in very, very hyperrealistic."
The Lore of Upper Rhode Island
Werner Solomoitz discusses casting Tom Hanks as a 14-year-old in a slow-motion Blink-182 biopic. He describes the 'spooky' lore of Upper Rhode Island, which turns out to just be driving directions for a toll-free expressway.
"We did manage to get Tom Hanks. He'll be embodying this man."
"There's a lot of lore about Upper Rhode Island."
"It's an expressway. So, it's not scary. It's just a faster way."
The Rob Dyrdek Lizard Birth
Didi The Four pitches a Rob Dyrdek biopic where the lead is played by a CGI lizard. The film features a projectile birth scene where a gecko shoots out of a human woman, accompanied by a 4D 'burning toast' smell in the theater.
"He's going to be played by a man that's actually a lizard."
"Lizard outshoots from the vagina. Gecko on the wall."
"It smells like damn burning toast in here."
The United Kingdom of Simi Valley
Brighton Brooklyn introduces her biopic about Miranda Nick, a girl who passed out in a Sephora. She speaks with a thick British accent despite claiming to be from Simi Valley, using 'Rebecca' as a term of endearment.
"Miranda Nick passed out in a Sephora at the age of 12 and is the reason we have mall cops."
"United Kingdom of Simi Valley."
Rob Dyrdek's Blimp Obsession
Didi The Four describes his biopic of Rob Dyrdek, which features the subject as a 'little lizard man' who is obsessed with filming the entire movie on a blimp after seeing a promotional Timothy Chalamet blimp.
"What if we put the movie on a blimp? What if we shot in a blimp?"
"You're a little lizard man playing in this."
The Mother Goose Estate and the Shoe House
Edgar Wallet discusses the difficulties of working with the Mother Goose estate, specifically Dan Goose, a 'money monster' who lives in a giant shoe with plumbing issues to prove his goose heritage.
"He lives in a big shoe to prove that he's a goose."
"To try to get plumbing into a shoe must have took so much."
The Biopic Auction at the DGA
The directors describe a high-stakes, high-school-fundraiser-style auction at the DGA where they bid on the rights to direct famous subjects, including a 'pathetic' auction for Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas.
"The subject walks out like it's like a weird high school fundraiser date."
"It's a store kind of, but you can't walk away with it if it's not the highest bid."
The Dark History of the Rhode Island Expressway
Werner Solomoitz pitches his next dark project: a biopic about the bureaucratic red tape and city commissions involved in founding the Rhode Island Expressway.
"It is about the founding of the Rhode Island Expressway."
"Anyone would be freaked out by the haunted spectre of this asphalt road peeling beneath you mile after mile."
Johnny Bananas and the Skater Hardship Group-On
Didi discusses his upcoming slate of extreme sports biopics, including Johnny Bananas and Ryan Sheckler, defining 'real hardship' as failing to land a skateboard trick at age six.
"Hardship is basically not landing a trick. That's what real hardship is."
"These are films that are raised right."
The Humpty Dumpty Biopic: Breakfast Denier
The panelist who previously denied the existence of hard-boiled eggs is forced to pitch a Humpty Dumpty biopic, leading to a dramatic retelling involving a 'Jud-egg' betrayal.
"If we accept that there was a big egg that lived, that means there's other big eggs that still live."
"One of you will betray me. One of you will make me fall off this wall."
Extreme Slow-Mo and Owl City
Werner Solomoitz showcases a clip from his Blink-182 biopic shot in extreme slow motion (3 frames over 24 hours) set to a regular-paced Owl City soundtrack, creating a jarring artistic contrast.
"The soundtrack by Owl City is all at speed."