Francis Featherstone
writer of The Quest of the Earth and Sea Sky series.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
13The Rhyming Dildo Blizzard
Brashar Khan reads a 'Dr. Seuss-style' erotic passage from her book about 'ho-bags with wings,' featuring a blizzard of dildos and a rhyming scheme that the other writers find deeply disturbing.
"They dance the fairy dance as it snows dildos and muck. It's time to clean up."
"For Brashar Khan, it's sex if it's rhyming."
"They dance the fairy dance as it snows dildos and muck."
"One is from a house of tin and one is from a house of cum."
Kisses Stone Lee's Bird Kingdom and Accidental Slurs
Kisses Stone Lee describes her elemental worlds, including an air world written entirely in bird squawks. The group discusses the 'dangerous territory' of accidentally inventing slurs for fantasy races like centaurs.
"There are no actual human English language speakers in the book. Just sort of a bunch of caws and squeaks."
"Interesting how even in a fantasy world where anything is possible, we invent discrimination."
"It's like a slant rhyme, but it's a slant slur."
Brashar Khan and the Ho-Bag with Wings
The legendary Brashar Khan discusses his disdain for modern book awards like 'Oprah's Breeding Club' and introduces his trademarked creature: the Ho-Bag with Wings, which is described as a flying feathery nipple.
"I write within the world of Ho-Ho... Ho-bags with wings."
"Round, big bazook. Feathers up to the eye can see."
"I can't wait to hear Larry the Cable Guy read the Ho-Bag."
Francis Featherstone's Meaningful Consultation
Francis Featherstone explains his 'upside down' world where characters walk on air. He brags about his film adaptation where he has the title of 'Meaningful Consultation,' which allows him to give ignored feedback.
"The earth is like a negative space and the ozone is the earth."
"That means whatever they do, I can say if I like it or if I don't like it... and they get to listen to that and then do what they want to."
"The tension is lost when there's six of them and it sort of just looks like a shirts versus skins game."
The Six Barechested Men of Fantastical Spain
Ristorante Excalibur describes the six male leads of her novel, visualized in a Brady Bunch-style grid. The names are increasingly absurd Italian-Spanish food puns like Musical Alivodka and Marinara Sombrero.
"His name is Musical Alivodka and he is the one who sings."
"Sora Risoto, the bad boy queer character. He's queer cuz he has a girl's name."
"Dr. Italy Spaniard. And he is a professor."
Brashar Khan's Middle-of-the-Book Character List
Brashar Khan reads a list of bizarre creatures found in the middle of her book, including a hooker wolf, a gnome with jugs falling down a hole, and a carrot man with no balls.
"A hooker wolf. Yes. A man wrote this. A man."
"The gnome with drugs falling down a hole."
"A carrot man with no balls. A eunuch carrot."
The Helium Dystopia Romance
Kisses Stone Lee pitches her new book set on the periodic table, specifically the world of Helium where gravity is reversed and true love is determined by matching vocal pitches after inhaling gas.
"You only know that you found your true mate when you both inhale helium and your voices are at the same tone."
"For us, the helium actually makes things lower because the air is the ground and the ground is the sky."
The Six-Way Zoom Sex Recording
Ristorante Excalibur plays a chaotic audio clip of a 'tele-orgy' conducted over Zoom, featuring technical glitches, accidental screen sharing, and performers placing various body parts on tables.
"I've placed my breasts on the table. Can you see them?"
"Stop screen sharing! I don't want to see the 'Don't Change the Google Doc' while I'm on it!"
Ving, Vog, and the Upside-Down Apple
Francis Featherstone explains his writing celibacy and reads a passage featuring characters named Ving and Vog in a world where gravity is reversed.
"In my world, we call them Ving and Vog."
"Scared to fall into the center away from the air like a little apple from a tree but upside down."
The Romantasy Euphemism Pitch
The writers pitch creative euphemisms for genitalia, including 'Crust and Hole' and 'A Big Big Bowl of Teeth'.
"The bowl of teeth is the clit. Grow up."
"Some hobags with wings are gay and some hobags with wings are straight."
Fandom Nicknames and Twilight Comparisons
The authors discuss their fan bases, including the 'Francis Fences' and 'Bearbacks', while Jackson Dark gets defensive about his book being compared to Twilight.
"Mine are the bearbacks and they are a bunch of women who look exactly like me."
"I love when the author gets defensive. You see the hair stand down the back of their neck."
The Quest to Figure Out What Water is Up To
Francis Featherstone pitches his new book about the physics of water in a land where rain falls upward and people wear rafts on their heads to avoid drowning up.
"The Quest to figure out what water is up to because I haven't quite cracked it yet."
"I think they have to wear a raft on their head. Or they drown up."
The Romantasy Roundtable Roll-Call
The hosts introduce the world of 'Romantasy'—a blend of high fantasy and perverse romance—before the authors attempt to recreate their awkward 'book jacket' headshot faces for the camera.
"Romantasy combines the high fantastical worlds of fantasy with the nasty, dirty, perverse world of romance."
"Let's do our jacket faces, shall we?"
"Sort of head shots of people who don't normally get their photos taken."