Leslie Fastbone
Known as 'Flashbone' for her speed, she writes 'wolf stuff' and has frozen eggs waiting for a dice roll.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14Innovating the Twist
The writers list their most successful plot twists, including 'Her foot was a wolf,' 'The ugly girls in a boat,' and the ultimate cliffhanger: 'Your substitute teacher is on an island... Where?'
"Her foot was a wolf!"
"Your substitute teacher is on an island. Where?"
"Your mom is a rug this whole time."
"You guess Jade, but somebody says it's right, and it turns out it's the ancient jade master."
Alpha Wolf vs. The Studio System
Leslie Fastbone defends Alpha Wolf's non-union practices, comparing the traditional studio system to 1950s Detroit. The team boasts about using the Notes app instead of Final Draft and fixing all production errors with AI.
"The studio system is Detroit in the 1950s. Guess what? The automobile industry is a changing."
"We don't need Final Draft. We use Notes app."
"If there's a typo, we shoot the typo and fix it with AI."
Adapting Nixon's Pool Boy
Bellatrix pitches her 1500-page Richard Nixon political drama, which the team immediately tries to 'verticalize' by adding werewolves and jade-guessing mechanics.
"We'll just erase Nixon. Create a president."
"They couldn't control themselves because they're werewolves."
"LEAVE THE JADE ALONE."
The Cinematography of Verticals
The writers explain the strict rules of vertical cinematography, which mostly involves putting actors in the middle of the frame and telling them never to move.
"We got one rule in cinematography. Put them in the middle."
"Stay in the middle and do not move."
"The green actors never leave room for captions."
The California Lunch Law and Intermittent Fasting
The writers discuss their grueling schedule where lunch is only earned after finishing 80 episodes, leading to a bizarre obsession with California lunch laws and Mendocino Farms.
"We call it verticals intermittent fasting where you don't really lunch at a certain time."
"I love when Cory Booker goes to town."
Leslie Fastbone and the Wolf Holy Grail
Leslie Fastbone introduces her specialty in 'wolf stuff' and describes a cliffhanger involving a dad's friend turning into a werewolf via a production vacuum.
"This is heroin you can swipe."
"Every vertical company has a big vacuum to suck those shirts off."
Denny Cornconey's Fast-Paced Coming Out
Denny discusses the efficiency of 'young gay stuff' in vertical dramas because characters don't have to learn gender differences, ending in his own sudden coming out.
"I'm gay and my wife don't know."
"It's such a shame you're gay because her marzipan is so good."
Dean DeChesere and the Jade Market Betting World
Dean explains the niche but addictive world of Chin Dynasty ceramics and jade-focused dramas, where a boy has the supernatural ability to see jade through rocks.
"They love the idea of rock getting cut and revealing a green."
"What if I killed a woman?"
The Braces Cliffhanger and TikTok Trends
The writers discuss the 'Jade' plot nuances before Bellatrix Justine reveals her favorite cliffhanger: 'I like to kiss boys with braces.' They then attempt to recreate a viral TikTok sound effect with varying degrees of success.
"I like to kiss boys with braces."
"Bellatrix, you're so helpful because you're a young gun in the office and you always make us do the little trends on Tik Tok."
The Writing Process: Family, Grades, and Pornhub
The writers share their 'magic' methods for generating ideas, ranging from Denny's family-tree kissing permutations to Leslie's reverse-engineering of extreme adult content into 'digestible' vertical drama seeds.
"I look on Pornhub and I basically reverse engineer the worst thing I've ever seen."
"I do that with grades, where I go ugly girl in third grade, ugly girl in fourth grade."
The War on Horizontals
The panel expresses intense hatred for horizontal cinematography, mocking 'Schindler's List' and 'Pride and Prejudice' for having too much 'field' and not enough 'boning.' They praise 'Pretty Little Liars' as high art.
"Why do I want most of the frame to not be the main person I'm looking at?"
"If we did Pride and Prejudice, we could have had Kieran Nightly boning like 400 guys in that field."
The Skittles Writer's Room
The group speculates on the creative process behind Skittles flavors, imagining a Shark Tank-style pitch meeting and a writer's room led by Roy G. Biv.
"You think they had a writer's room for Skittles?"
"Maybe the writer room was Roy G. Biv."
The Brick Wife Mystery
Dean reveals his wife is actually a pile of straw puppeted by a shadowy figure, which then escalates into her being a figure made of yellow bricks.
"My wife is a figure made of brick."
"Yellow bricks. Follow the yellow brick road."
The Horny Picture Factory HR Issues
Dean and Leslie clash over Leslie playing adult content at full volume in the writers' room. Denny reveals he projects pictures of his wife in a mumu on the office wall, which he calls his 'Alibi' (misspelled Albany) folder.
"You can't full volume like Pornhub in the writer room."