Melinda Scarf
A screenwriter who writes identical scripts and is in a toxic relationship with a man named Santa Claus.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14Hallmark Plus: The Human Touch Subscription
The panel discusses the unique benefits of Hallmark Plus, which includes a physical 'human touch' service where representatives visit subscribers' homes to hug their candles and rotate them on the couch.
"What are they missing? The people that subscribe to Hallmark more than anything else. It's human touch."
"I'll hug your candle. I'll hug your cat. I'll hug anything."
"We'll rotate you on the couch that you haven't moved from."
Roundtable Roll-Call: The Hallmark Veterans
The cast introduces themselves, featuring a director who only works with Will.i.am and a whimsical actress named Patricia Dawn Ft. Dean whose name is a military base legacy.
"They call me Fincher for the snow globes."
"My great-grandfather started Fort Dean, the military base, and the name stuck."
"If just like the leaves change, you need to change, too."
Melinda Scarf's 'Slot' Directions and Free the Hole
Writer Melinda Scarf explains her script-writing process, which includes 'slot' directions for actresses and a movement to 'free the hole' as the next step after freeing the nipple.
"My scripts are mostly stage directions."
"Why did we start going up the ladder if we weren't going to eventually go to hole?"
"The glass ceiling right there. There's a woman's hole right there."
Mary St. Peters: The Toasty 34
Mary St. Peters reveals she is working with a 'cast' of MIT scientists to preserve her age at a 'toasty 34'—an approachable, non-intimidating level of hotness.
"I am working with some scientists to preserve me at exactly a toasty 34."
"A toasty that's not going to hurt the roof of my mouth."
"I can't have a gif out there of me saying poop."
The Prepositional Preponderance of Hallmark Titles
The panel discusses the sheer volume of Hallmark movies they've produced, leading to a list of increasingly absurd titles like 'Autumn and Even' and 'Snow Globe Trotters' where everyone dies inside a snow globe.
"You kind of went through all the preposition of love."
"Autumn and Even. Two math teachers falling in love."
"When all the globe trotters got stuck into that snow globe. They couldn't get out and they died in there."
The Turnpike vs. Autumnsville Meet-Cute
A clip from the film 'Fall for Love' shows a high-stress New York City woman clashing with a local leaf-orchard owner in a 'violent' meet-cute involving a bucket of leaves and the word 'Loca'.
"I want to go back to being a slut!"
"You might as well be speaking Spanish to me. And I only know one word. You're pretty Loca."
"I'm from the turnpike where you can go into a bar and you send an email to your friends."
Harry's Stunning Instagram Content
The conflict between Mary and Melinda escalates as Melinda admits to obsessively watching Mary's husband's Instagram for ten hours a night to fall asleep, specifically praising his shirtless surgery photos.
"If I'm going to fall asleep, I need to look at your husband's Instagram for 10 hours at least."
"Harry is always doing things with his shirts off when he shouldn't be. Surgery."
"Wear your scrubs. You're a doctor."
The Tragic Apple Picking Head-Plucking Incident
Melinda reveals the film is based on her real life, specifically the tragic day her sister's head was accidentally picked off by someone who thought it was a large apple.
"When my sister died tragically in the apple picking accident."
"Someone picked her head right off."
"I thought it was an apple. I swear."
The Two-Minute Hate Monologue
Mary St. Peters performs a rapid-fire list of things she hates, including inny belly buttons, maroon carpet, and everyone named Sherry.
"I don't think I've been happy in a day in the last 10 years."
"Everyone named Sherry."
"I hate Radio Disney."
The Three-Minute Monologue and Snapchat Filters
The panel discusses a deleted scene from their Hallmark film that was shot entirely using a Snapchat filter where the actor barfs rainbows. Melinda Scarf performs a long, dramatic monologue about her dead husband Richard.
"The summer stays hot, the winter stays cold, the fall stays changing."
"We shot this on that Snapchat filter where you barf rainbows."
Hallmark's Gun-Based Budgeting
The writers and actors reveal the high-pressure environment of Hallmark, claiming 95% of the budget goes toward guns used to threaten writers into finishing scripts in five minutes.
"95% of their budget goes to guns."
"Get in the basement and write it. You have five minutes."
Goodnight Hollywood and Merch Plugs
The hosts break character to wrap up the episode, plug guest Ryan Asher's social media, and promote their new podcast merchandise.
"Now that's why we call it show business. Good night, Hollywood."
"Joker took our website. Bye."
The Magic Pumpkin Reveal
Melinda and Mary find common ground and forgive each other, leading to the reveal that Melinda's breasts look like magical orange pumpkins.
"I forgive you."
Melinda's List of Loves and Political Platforms
Melinda Scarf lists the things she loves, ranging from puppies to sucking dick by the 7-Eleven, and promotes her political platform: 'Make Kids Hot Now.'