Mikey Bamonte
A working-class Halloween poet who focuses on commercial 'blockbuster' poems like 'The Happy Pumpkin' to feed his four children.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
11The Union Contract and Startle-ficial Intelligence
Mikey Bamonte discusses the new union contract, including the controversial 'Startle-ficial Intelligence' which automatically inserts jumpscares into poems by turning text red.
"It's a smart computer that kind of registers how people get startled."
"They're changing the font color. They turn the color of certain words red."
"We might as well talk about residual ghouls."
"I wrote a Halloween poem for the Halloween episode of Gilmore Girls back in the day."
The Great Halloween Poem Death Spike of 1989
The poets discuss a record spike in deaths related to Halloween poems, which turns out to be a single death. They also distinguish themselves from Gothic and Emo poets, claiming 'spooky isn't sad.'
"I performed a Halloween poem for Bette Davis that scared her right to death. I killed her."
"It was a record spike in Halloween poem related deaths. One."
"To go from zero to one, the scale is crazy if your scale is 100%."
The Marvel Halloween Poetry Pipeline
Mikey Bamonte reveals his sell-out collaboration with Marvel, which involves turning 'Smash or Pass' TikToks into high-art poetry by simply removing the word 'pass' from the script.
"I made a Marvel Halloween poem. I'm collabing with Marvel."
"Hulk smash Iron Man. Iron Man smash Hawkeye."
"I just took out the word pass and then now it's a poem."
Dita Von Teese's Spooky Nail Polish Titles
SheEdgar shares her latest work: naming a line of dark nail polishes for Dita Von Teese, featuring confusingly structured titles like 'Broomstick Puppy Brown' and 'Werewolf Goblin Mummy Green'.
"Broomstick puppy brown."
"Werewolf goblin mummy mummy mummy green."
"Fangs off-white."
The Death of Sir Dennis Gravestone
Sir Dennis Gravestone performs his final poem, a haunting piece that incorporates unused Jay-Z lyrics. The performance is so intense it seemingly kills him, leading to a chaotic final freestyle.
"I used some of the unused verse from Jay-Z's Monster."
"Your poem killed him!"
"I'm a motherfucking monster at the end."
The Strongest Seasonal Union: 40154
The poets discuss the strength of the Poet Union, specifically the seasonal contract that grants them 364 days of break per year. Mikey Bamonte recalls the dark pre-union days when he was asked to write Easter poems.
"We get a break for 364 days of the year."
"Can you write us an Easter poem? No the fuck I can't write you an Easter poem!"
The Overdone Classics and Sarah Gruel
The poets discuss the rapidly changing industry and the cliché of 'Dead Ghoul's Cell Phone' by Sarah Gruel, which they consider the 'overdone' student standard of Halloween poetry.
"People think they can walk in here and do dead ghoul's cell phone. You can't do that yet."
"Bleep bleep the iPhone rings, shall I hear my person sing?"
Jay-Z's 'Monster' Verse as High Art
The panel analyzes Jay-Z's verse in 'Monster' as the pinnacle of Halloween poetry, praising his use of an unreliable narrator and his mastery of listing ghouls and goblins.
"Jay-Z's verse in Monster by Kanye West that is Halloween poetry at its finest."
"Sasquatch, Godzilla, King Kong, Loch Ness, Goblin, Ghoul, a zombie with no conscience."
Francis Ford Coppola's Grave Writing Workshop
Mikey Bamonte reveals he found his voice after Francis Ford Coppola locked him in a giant grave with several dead bodies for four weeks to teach him the true meaning of Halloween poetry.
"He locked the door of a giant grave and I stayed there for about four weeks."
The Overused 'Dear Evan Hansen Zombie' Audition
The panel rants about the state of Halloween poetry education, specifically the overused recitation of 'Dear Evan Hansen Zombie' and the song 'I'm Just a Ghoul Who Can't Say Boo.'
"If I hear one more person say 'waiting in the window brains' I'm going to scream."
The Top 10 Halloween Poets Roundtable
The panel introduces the niche industry of Halloween poetry, explaining that during the strike, agencies CAA and WME released a list of the top 10 poets. Five of them have gathered to discuss their craft and the Variety article.
"CAA and WME just finally came together and during the strike since they can't talk about actors they decided to release the top 10 Halloween poets."