Ristorante Excalibur
author of the Knights of the Bare-Chested Table Series
Highlight Bits & Quotes
15The Rhyming Dildo Blizzard
Brashar Khan reads a 'Dr. Seuss-style' erotic passage from her book about 'ho-bags with wings,' featuring a blizzard of dildos and a rhyming scheme that the other writers find deeply disturbing.
"They dance the fairy dance as it snows dildos and muck. It's time to clean up."
"For Brashar Khan, it's sex if it's rhyming."
"They dance the fairy dance as it snows dildos and muck."
"One is from a house of tin and one is from a house of cum."
Jackson Dark and the Fryman of Foglank
Jackson Dark introduces his 20-book 'Cosmic Light' series set in Foglank, featuring a 'Fryman'—which the other authors quickly identify as just being a line cook who stumbled into a magical realm.
"I focus on the dragon, the fairy, and the fryman."
"In the real world, we call it a line cook."
"My publisher says don't give them your writing for free for Pete's sake."
Kisses Stone Lee's Bird Kingdom and Accidental Slurs
Kisses Stone Lee describes her elemental worlds, including an air world written entirely in bird squawks. The group discusses the 'dangerous territory' of accidentally inventing slurs for fantasy races like centaurs.
"There are no actual human English language speakers in the book. Just sort of a bunch of caws and squeaks."
"Interesting how even in a fantasy world where anything is possible, we invent discrimination."
"It's like a slant rhyme, but it's a slant slur."
Ristorante Excalibur's Barechested Table and Siesta Chapter
Ristorante Excalibur introduces her book 'Knights of the Barechested Table,' explaining that the title is a Spanish translation error. She also reveals her book includes 15 blank pages for a mandatory reader siesta.
"I have a chapter in the middle where you take a siesta. It is 15 blank pages."
"All publishers are pigs."
"A pap upon your Penguin Random House!"
Francis Featherstone's Meaningful Consultation
Francis Featherstone explains his 'upside down' world where characters walk on air. He brags about his film adaptation where he has the title of 'Meaningful Consultation,' which allows him to give ignored feedback.
"The earth is like a negative space and the ozone is the earth."
"That means whatever they do, I can say if I like it or if I don't like it... and they get to listen to that and then do what they want to."
"The tension is lost when there's six of them and it sort of just looks like a shirts versus skins game."
The Six Barechested Men of Fantastical Spain
Ristorante Excalibur describes the six male leads of her novel, visualized in a Brady Bunch-style grid. The names are increasingly absurd Italian-Spanish food puns like Musical Alivodka and Marinara Sombrero.
"His name is Musical Alivodka and he is the one who sings."
"Sora Risoto, the bad boy queer character. He's queer cuz he has a girl's name."
"Dr. Italy Spaniard. And he is a professor."
Brashar Khan's Middle-of-the-Book Character List
Brashar Khan reads a list of bizarre creatures found in the middle of her book, including a hooker wolf, a gnome with jugs falling down a hole, and a carrot man with no balls.
"A hooker wolf. Yes. A man wrote this. A man."
"The gnome with drugs falling down a hole."
"A carrot man with no balls. A eunuch carrot."
The Six-Way Zoom Sex Recording
Ristorante Excalibur plays a chaotic audio clip of a 'tele-orgy' conducted over Zoom, featuring technical glitches, accidental screen sharing, and performers placing various body parts on tables.
"I've placed my breasts on the table. Can you see them?"
"Stop screen sharing! I don't want to see the 'Don't Change the Google Doc' while I'm on it!"
The Fanciful Suit of Armor Divorce
Jackson Dark shares footage of his divorce court appearance where he wore a suit of armor and slapped the judge with a glove.
"I walked in with my suit of armor. Threw down a glove, slapped the judge."
"The skin is pinching right near my penis. I'm trying to fix it."
Mousy Rebecca and the Feminist Pizza
Ristorante Excalibur reads a tear-jerking passage about a mousy woman who accidentally loses her clothes and eats an entire pizza meant for six men.
"Six slices, not for six men, but for one woman."
"She's going to fold it in half like a whole pizza in front of all those men."
The Magma Lubricant Science Lesson
Kisses Stone Lee reads an anatomically correct passage from her volcano series where magma is used as lubricant.
"Revealing her fay lips, clit, vulva, vagina, cervix, ovaries."
"I have to find a way to differentiate myself from the past."
The Romantasy Euphemism Pitch
The writers pitch creative euphemisms for genitalia, including 'Crust and Hole' and 'A Big Big Bowl of Teeth'.
"The bowl of teeth is the clit. Grow up."
"Some hobags with wings are gay and some hobags with wings are straight."
Fandom Nicknames and Twilight Comparisons
The authors discuss their fan bases, including the 'Francis Fences' and 'Bearbacks', while Jackson Dark gets defensive about his book being compared to Twilight.
"Mine are the bearbacks and they are a bunch of women who look exactly like me."
"I love when the author gets defensive. You see the hair stand down the back of their neck."
Mermaids Walking and Rice Coffee Knights
Brashar pitches a mermaid horror story while Ristorante introduces 'Arroz con Espresso', a knight named after a classic Spanish dish.
"Mermaid's walking in a tunnel and one of them sees a wolf and the wolf has teeth the size of a vag."
The Romantasy Roundtable Roll-Call
The hosts introduce the world of 'Romantasy'—a blend of high fantasy and perverse romance—before the authors attempt to recreate their awkward 'book jacket' headshot faces for the camera.
"Romantasy combines the high fantastical worlds of fantasy with the nasty, dirty, perverse world of romance."
"Let's do our jacket faces, shall we?"
"Sort of head shots of people who don't normally get their photos taken."