Steven Cablamo
The unsung hero of blue-collar stock photos with a basement full of helmets.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
9The HR High Five Collab
The models attempt an 'epic collab' by posing for a stock photo prompt: 'HR representatives getting good news,' while Chlamydia prepares for a solo prompt of eating salad at a wedding she hates.
"It's the big HR high five!"
"I want to see you eating salad at a wedding and the bride is a cunt."
"I want to see you eating salad at a wedding."
"The bowl's always in hand. That's what makes it look like you're inconvenienced."
Steven Cablamo's Helmet Basement
Steven Cablamo, the 'working man' model, discusses his manicured hands and his massive collection of job-specific helmets stored in a studio apartment crawl space.
"I do blue collar stock photo. I do the working man."
"Every helmet is a helmet I've worn on a job."
"I got LB bars to hold on my hand."
The NYU Stock School of Acting
The models discuss their formal training at 'NYU Stock' and 'Stella Ad-freeler,' explaining the craft of making stock photos 20% more boring to avoid accidentally becoming a fetish.
"What I learned at University NYU Stock."
"What you have to do in order to not make it fetish is make it just 20% more boring."
"I was at Stella Ad-freeler."
Stock-Spear in the Park
The group reminisces about performing 'Stock-Spear' (stock photo Shakespeare), including a performance of a wordless monologue from 'Three Sisters Eating Salad Picnic Park Boyfriend Girlfriend.'
"You can say pamphlet in the theater. You just can't say Stock-Beth."
"Was that from Three Sisters Eating Salad Picnic Park Boyfriend Girlfriend?"
"Unleash the curse! Do three stock photos quick!"
The Guadalajara Salad Disaster
Chlamydia Gonorrhea recounts a tragic beach shoot in Guadalajara where a wave knocked her into a Disney cruise ship staffed entirely by children, leading to a mass drowning event.
"It knocked me into that cruise ship full of kids."
"Disney had it coming doing an all-kids Disney cruise."
"I won't trust a kid with my credit card processing it."
The Modern Scarlet Letter: Fast Food Delivery
Steven Cablamo acts out the shame of being asked to wait in a numbered parking spot for a large fast food order, which the group equates to a modern-day Scarlet Letter.
"They make you go to a parking space with a number on it."
"It's like pretty much Scarlet Letter. Modern Scarlet Letter."
The Bozo Tree Trimmers
Josie Rosie performs a wide-shot stock photo pose where she is screaming at incompetent tree trimmers who are about to drop a tree on a small cat.
"These bozos, these bozos, these bozos. I'm in."
"It was just screaming, What are you bozos doing?"
The Visual-Only Group Chat
The panel discusses their inability to text with words, resulting in a group chat filled entirely with confusing stock photos and GIFs of waffles and clocks.
"None of us can really type."
"It's a gift of waffles with a question mark."
The Stock Photo Model Roundtable Roll-Call
The panel introduces themselves as elite stock photo models, discussing their 'photos per minute' stats and a tragic accident involving a woman rolling into a school bus.
"I rolled off of a cliff and I rolled into a school bus."
"I demolished every child."
"I'm rocking around 2015 photos per minute."