Stu Toddler
Highlight Bits & Quotes
14Lindsay's CIA Torture Background
Lindsay reveals her background as a CIA torture innovator at Guantanamo Bay, explaining how she transitioned into YouTube comedy to combine her love for humor and human pain.
"I used to be in the CIA and we would come up with new ways to torture people."
"They called me Three Stoogge because there was just one of me."
The Physics of the Toddler Theorem
Stu Toddler, a former top physics researcher, explains how he applied gravitational science to his own child, Clive, to develop the 'Toddler Theorem' for safe falling.
"I say comedy is physics plus baby."
"I called him an ass hat in front of the UN."
The Mad Libs of Pain
The team reveals their formulaic approach to writing fails, using Mad Libs style templates like 'Blank gets hit by blank in the nuts' while carefully avoiding accidental porn titles.
"We had to be so careful to not accidentally make a porn title."
"Blank gets hit by blank in the nuts was also a reliable source."
The Ethics of the Epic Fail
A deep dive into the 'Wave Period' of Fail Army and the strict ethical rule that if someone actually dies, the video cannot be posted to the channel.
"If someone died, it doesn't hit our channel."
"My job is to make you go 'Ooh' from here. Full stop."
Accidental Waterboarding with Milk
Lindsay describes her proudest achievement: a farm-based fail involving a bear-trap stool and a bin of milk that resulted in 'accidental waterboarding,' a concept she unsuccessfully pitched to the CIA.
"Essentially waterboarding with milk, which is something that I brought."
"I really tried to tell the CIA, but they weren't interested."
The 'LAT' (Look At That) Demographic
The writers explain 'LATs'—videos that aren't funny but are 'cute' enough to maintain YouTube monetization and support their Lake Arrowhead Airbnb lifestyles.
"We call them lats, short for 'look at that.'"
"Your video needs to be 40, 50% lat or else you will not retain the monetization."
The AFV Lawsuit and Life Rights
The team recalls winning a Supreme Court battle against America's Funniest Home Videos, establishing that accidents are public domain and you don't need life rights for people who don't exist.
"Legally you can't own an accident. You can't own a typo."
"Do we reveal that all the videos are fake and written by us or do we go after life rights for people who don't exist?"
Pitching the 2-Liter Soda Explosion
The writers workshop a pitch about a woman getting hit in the face with a bottle cap. They debate her age, her level of exhaustion, and whether the liquid should be soda or acid to maximize the 'fail' potential.
"The sweet spot for women about 41."
"Half want to make it acid, half want to make it soda."
Fail Army: The Scripted Series Reveal
The writers announce a scripted TV show following a faceless man named Mark with giant balls. They reveal the WGA allowed the production because they don't consider Fail Army to be 'much of anything'.
"The WGA actually said that this was fine because they don't really consider this much of anything."
"His balls are like the Liberty Bell."
Final Advice for Young Fail Writers
The panel offers cryptic advice to aspiring writers, emphasizing the importance of listening for the smallest sounds and avoiding the 'gray area' of using the word 'oof' too early in one's career.
"The word ow is funny. The word ouch is sad."
"If you shoot for the moon, you fail among the stars."
The Fail Army Writers' Room Reunion
The hosts introduce the 'founding four fathers' of Fail Army, revealing that the viral video channel is actually a meticulously scripted operation rather than a collection of accidental mishaps.
"Every video is actually written and it was written by us."
The St. Louis Fail Trajectory
The writers discuss their early days in St. Louis, chosen specifically because the Gateway Arch represents the literal trajectory of a person sitting on a firework hitting the ground.
"The St. Louis Arch is a literal trajectory of somebody sitting on a firework going up in the air and hitting the ground."
The Scary International Division and Miniature Global Warming
Duvet Beauregard explains his role in the 'Scary International' division, revealing that major global warming events and hurricanes are actually just miniatures he builds on location to establish dominance over the set.
"It's all miniatures. That's the secret of most global warming things that we're seeing."
The Legend of Leslie: The Unforgettable Face
The team discusses their go-to actress Leslie, who has aged from 'drunk hot girl' to 'tired mom' and possesses the unique quality of having a face that no one can ever remember, allowing her to be reused in 60% of their videos.
"No matter how many times you see her face, you'll never remember her face."