Tom Beats
Highlight Bits & Quotes
10Drake Drones and Penny-Boarding Seals
The panel details Kendrick Lamar's supposed halftime plans: a giant Drake made of drones that explodes into a swamp, and 100 seals entering on penny-boards under a rain of fire.
"We are making Drake out of drones."
"Those seals are going to come out on penny boards."
"You have no idea how hard it is to mic 100 seals."
"Kendrick Lamar insisted seals come out on penny boards."
The Logic of Mandatory Nipple Exposure
Gregory Duncan points out that Tom's policy effectively makes nipple exposure mandatory for anyone feeling 'good.' Tom realizes his mathematical error (A=B, B=C, therefore A=C) and tries to pivot to a 'one-on-one' dialogue.
"I haven't seen your nipples all day."
"I keep my nipples inside."
"That is an absolute oversight on my part."
Engineering a Viral Meme with The Rizzler
Tom Beats reveals a plan to manufacture a viral meme involving a marching band accident and the introduction of 'The Rizzler' being shot out of a confetti cannon into the arms of Dr. Dre.
"We're trying to engineer a meme."
"The Rizzler is coming out of a confetti cannon."
"His rizz affects his aerodynamics, you can't match that."
Tom Brady's Locker Room Ball Wash
Ricky Bank admits to accidentally miking the locker room instead of the stage, leading to a leaked clip of Tom Brady washing his balls and discussing deflated footballs with Bill Belichick.
"You heard Tom Brady washing his balls."
"Another day, another ball wash."
"Yeah, we flattened the football, boss."
The Great Resignation of the Halftime Crew
One by one, the crew members announce they are quitting for bizarre new ventures, including lighting Jeff Bezos's rockets and attending law school, leaving Tom Beats devastated.
"I'm going to be working specifically with Jeff Bezos to light his trips to space."
"I am actually going to go into law school."
"I think we're all quitting because I don't like the way you're running this."
Ricky Bank's Audio Nightmare
Ricky Bank explains his total incompetence at sound engineering, his struggle with 'room tone' in a stadium of 50,000 people, and his plan to release Tik Tok clips of silence.
"I was in marketing and they just put me in charge of it. I cannot figure it out."
"Trying to quiet 50,000 people is nay impossible. Some jackass is always going to say 'penis'."
The 'Light the Tit' Conspiracy
The team discusses the infamous Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, revealing a mysterious 'dark voice' that commanded the lighting crew to keep the shot illuminated.
"There was a dark voice over my shoulder that said 'light the tit'."
"We reached out to lighting people who said 'do you want to be a voiceover actor? Send in the phrase light the tit'."
The Pro-Nipple Policy Mandate
Tom Beats explains his 'pro-nipple' policy for the Super Bowl halftime show, claiming it's a feminist stance to celebrate anyone who shows their nipple. Ricky Bank admits he accidentally caused Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction.
"I've instituted a pro-nipple policy."
"I accidentally was working wardrobe that year."
The Haze Girls and the No-Rehearsal Mandate
Tom Beats reveals he has banned rehearsals for the Super Bowl to keep things 'fresh,' causing the 'Haze Girls' (Michelle and Wanda Hayes) to faint. The panel discusses the absurdity of past halftime show crossovers.
"That's why we don't rehearse the Super Bowl."
"Michelle and Wanda Hayes... it was a calling on their life."
Roundtable Roll-Call: The Halftime Luminaries
The hosts introduce the creative team behind the Super Bowl halftime show, including an Icelandic lighting designer, a stressed audio engineer, a 'mover or shaker' director, and a pyrotechnician with a burnt tongue.
"My name is Aubra Ringlingik. I am from Reykjavik, Iceland."