Sal Valentine
The resident heartthrob who plays orchard owners and harbors deep conspiracies about synthetic apples.
Highlight Bits & Quotes
12Hallmark Plus: The Human Touch Subscription
The panel discusses the unique benefits of Hallmark Plus, which includes a physical 'human touch' service where representatives visit subscribers' homes to hug their candles and rotate them on the couch.
"What are they missing? The people that subscribe to Hallmark more than anything else. It's human touch."
"I'll hug your candle. I'll hug your cat. I'll hug anything."
"We'll rotate you on the couch that you haven't moved from."
Sal Valentine's Apple Orchard Conspiracies
Sal Valentine, the resident heartthrob, derails the conversation with method acting stories and a conspiracy theory that 95% of apples are synthetic government-hidden frozen props.
"We are not eating real apples. We're eating synthetic apples."
"I went method for this. I went to an orchard five times this year."
"The fact that you deep fry your pamphlets is really impressive."
Melinda Scarf's 'Slot' Directions and Free the Hole
Writer Melinda Scarf explains her script-writing process, which includes 'slot' directions for actresses and a movement to 'free the hole' as the next step after freeing the nipple.
"My scripts are mostly stage directions."
"Why did we start going up the ladder if we weren't going to eventually go to hole?"
"The glass ceiling right there. There's a woman's hole right there."
The Prepositional Preponderance of Hallmark Titles
The panel discusses the sheer volume of Hallmark movies they've produced, leading to a list of increasingly absurd titles like 'Autumn and Even' and 'Snow Globe Trotters' where everyone dies inside a snow globe.
"You kind of went through all the preposition of love."
"Autumn and Even. Two math teachers falling in love."
"When all the globe trotters got stuck into that snow globe. They couldn't get out and they died in there."
The Turnpike vs. Autumnsville Meet-Cute
A clip from the film 'Fall for Love' shows a high-stress New York City woman clashing with a local leaf-orchard owner in a 'violent' meet-cute involving a bucket of leaves and the word 'Loca'.
"I want to go back to being a slut!"
"You might as well be speaking Spanish to me. And I only know one word. You're pretty Loca."
"I'm from the turnpike where you can go into a bar and you send an email to your friends."
The Tragic Apple Picking Head-Plucking Incident
Melinda reveals the film is based on her real life, specifically the tragic day her sister's head was accidentally picked off by someone who thought it was a large apple.
"When my sister died tragically in the apple picking accident."
"Someone picked her head right off."
"I thought it was an apple. I swear."
The Shrinking and Death of Mary St. Peters
Mary begins to shrink physically while listing things she loves, eventually dying and returning as a ghost to repeat her three-minute monologue.
"Moho got smaller. The mic's getting bigger."
"Just like all good Hallmark movies, she ended with goodbye."
"Now you're a ghost. Does one of us have to fall in love with you?"
The Three-Minute Monologue and Snapchat Filters
The panel discusses a deleted scene from their Hallmark film that was shot entirely using a Snapchat filter where the actor barfs rainbows. Melinda Scarf performs a long, dramatic monologue about her dead husband Richard.
"The summer stays hot, the winter stays cold, the fall stays changing."
"We shot this on that Snapchat filter where you barf rainbows."
Hall Milk and Bible Jokes
The panel discusses the unfortunate branding of 'Hall Milk' and Sal makes a brief, confusing attempt at a 'Bible joke' by identifying as John.
"It sounds like milk from outside the hall."
"And I'm John. Bible joke."
Goodnight Hollywood and Merch Plugs
The hosts break character to wrap up the episode, plug guest Ryan Asher's social media, and promote their new podcast merchandise.
"Now that's why we call it show business. Good night, Hollywood."
"Joker took our website. Bye."
The Showmance and BuzzFeed Quizzes
Mary and Sal discuss their brief 'showmance' on set, which ended because Mary's BuzzFeed quiz results suggested she was a 'Monica' rather than a 'Rachel.'
Melinda's List of Loves and Political Platforms
Melinda Scarf lists the things she loves, ranging from puppies to sucking dick by the 7-Eleven, and promotes her political platform: 'Make Kids Hot Now.'