The Art Of Writing Christmas Music
Cast & Characters (4)
Bits & Timeline (13)
The Christmas Songwriter Roundtable Roll-Call
The artists introduce themselves as the elite writers behind the world's most famous holiday hits, establishing their shared history at a Spotify 'Christmas in July' networking event in Palm Springs.
"We're talking to Christmas songwriters."
"I think I saw you guys in Palm Springs in July, right?"
Bebe Jingles: The Queen of Horny Christmas
Bebe Jingles explains her niche in writing 'sexy' Christmas songs for pop stars like Ariana Grande and Michael Bublé, claiming she has always been 'super turned on' by the holiday season.
"I write all the sexy Christmas songs that pop stars sing when they want to go Christmas for a quick cash grab."
"I've always been super turned on by Christmas."
Bobby Chester Pear's One-Hit Wonder
Bobby Chester Pear claims to have written 'The 12 Days of Christmas' while high on a massive joint, despite the song being centuries old. He refuses to explain the lyrics and claims to be 'high as a bird.'
"I wrote one song and one song only. It is what we call the 12 Days of Christmas."
"I smoked the biggest doobie I've ever seen in my entire life and the song just poured out of me."
Denny Fielder: The Architect of Santa's Lore
Denny Fielder, a veteran from the 1940s, explains how he invented various names for Santa Claus (like 'Lapman') just to help with rhyming schemes and claims he was the one who officially gave Nick 'Saint-hood.'
"Saint was added to fill the rhythm of something."
"My personal fave: Lapman."
Dashon ThroughTheHalls: Somber Little Boys
Dashon reveals his hyper-specific genre: songs that little boys sing somberly. He claims credit for 'Little Drummer Boy' and 'Christmas Shoes,' insisting they are better when performed by children.
"My genre specifically is the songs little boys sing well."
"I don't want to get canceled on Twitter again."
The Burlington Vermont Christmas Mafia
The panel discusses the industry hub of Burlington, Vermont, and their legendary producer Johnny Christmas, who records in a studio filled with so many bells that it's impossible to get a clean take.
"The industry of Christmas music is of course Burlington, Vermont."
"It is so hard to get a clean take because there's bells everywhere."
Dashon's Creepy Doll Music and the Big Lucradation
Dashon ThroughTheHalls explains his songwriting process involving a 'cousin' who is actually his nephew. He performs a haunting jingle and reveals he makes millions from horror trailers, which he calls 'the big lucradation'.
"Cousin can be your everything. Cousin could be your wife."
"That's actually where the big lucradation comes from for me."
"Everything sounds like it was sung by a doll."
Denny Fielder's 1935 Navy Origins and Cocaine Secrets
Denny Fielder recounts his choice between the Navy and a Christmas apprenticeship in 1935. He claims 'White Christmas' was actually written about doing cocaine with Perry Como in Reno.
"I could either join the Navy or join an apprenticeship for Johnny Christmas."
"Turns out White Christmas is about cocaine."
"The Christmas spirit was a spooky ghost."
Bobby Chester Pear: The Gemstone-Smoking Drug Dealer
Bobby reveals she is Johnny Christmas Tree's drug dealer and grows gemstones on a farm. She claims she improvised the '12 Days of Christmas' while high on rose quartz with Mariah Carey.
"I am Johnny Christmas Tree's drug dealer."
"We were smoking some rose quartz and all of a sudden we saw all these partridges."
"I wrote music for sluts."
The 'Elf' Curse: Unreleased Tracks and Sad Snowballs
The panel shares unreleased songs that failed because they mentioned 'elves' in a sexual context. Dashon performs a devastatingly sad song about a boy dying in a rock-filled snowball fight.
"Something about elves and sex is just throwing people off a little bit."
"You diarrheaed all over the Taj Mahal just now."
The 'Elf' Curse: Unreleased Tracks and Sad Snowballs (Part 2)
The panel shares unreleased songs that failed because they mentioned 'elves' in a sexual context. Dashon performs a devastatingly sad song about a boy dying in a rock-filled snowball fight.
"A little boy lies bleeding, he's dead now, rock-filled snowball."
"The second verse is all about how he has to go to war."
Bobby Chester Pear's Unmastered 12 Days of Christmas
Bobby announces the release of an 'unmastered' track where the listener can hear the band smoking reefer and gemstones in the studio, followed by a chaotic vocal performance.
"You're going to hear us smoking the reefer and the gemstones."
The 87th Day of Christmas Marathon
Bobby is pressured into singing the 'mastered' version of the song that goes up to 100, resulting in a grueling countdown of increasingly bizarre gifts starting from day 87.
"I stopped listening to it five years ago you imbecile, it's overdone."