Christmas Carol Singers
Cast & Characters (4)
Bits & Timeline (16)
The Carolers' Grand Entrance
The group makes a chaotic entrance, asking to come in multiple times before launching into a high-energy, slightly off-kilter rendition of Jingle Bells complete with aggressive choreography.
"Every time we sing a song, it's always sing a song and leave. I forgot we don't have to leave."
Demonetized Taylor Swift Parodies
The group discusses their willingness to be demonetized for the sake of Christmas, leading into a Taylor Swift 'Love Story' parody where they replace lyrics with holiday themes.
"I'll be the prince and I'll be the Santa. It's a love story. Baby, just say Christmas."
The San Marino Library Toilet Legacy
Beth reveals her background as the head sanitation overseer at the San Marino library, claiming she ran a tight ship and created the best bathroom experience in Southern California.
"I was the supervisor of the toilets at the San Marino library."
"That toilet is disgusting. Hire me to keep it clean at all costs."
Dubstep Carol of the Bells
The group introduces their nephew Ethan's 'Logic Professor' compositions, resulting in a terrifying dubstep version of Carol of the Bells that allegedly caused a mass accident at a mall ice rink.
"It sounds like music from the cars that drive too fast in my neighborhood."
"The viral part was the kids getting caught in the net."
The Delta App and the Apple Music Trial
Ellen struggles to find the group's arrangement of 'Hard Out Here for a Pimp' on her phone, accidentally opening the Delta app, a calculator, and finally an iTunes store trial instead of her email.
"We're competing with noodles, right?"
"The clinking of the fork sets off my internal metronome and then I go at double speed."
"Are you on email or are you on the Delta app?"
"Oh, I'm seeing a calculator."
Peach Barone's Stand-up Career at Flappers
Peach reveals she performs stand-up comedy at Flappers and opens for Jay Leno at 11:30 AM on Tuesdays. She attempts to 'read' her fellow singers with weak zingers involving elephants and steering wheels.
"I opened for Jay Leno at Flappers."
"Driving with Ellen is like driving with an elephant in the front steering wheel."
"Peach sometimes is a little bad to the core."
Legal Fair Use and the Wine and Eggs Route
The group discusses the legality of their parody carols, citing Ellen's niece Emmelia who works for Berkshire Hathaway. They explain their strategy of caroling while moving to avoid being caught.
"She says they're fair use."
"If we're moving, you can't get us."
"We're walking up from wine and eggs all the way down to Spina."
Desexualizing Santa Baby
The singers perform a series of 'updated' carols, including a version of 'Santa Baby' that they have desexualized because they find the original lyrics about platinum mines and harlots to be filthy.
"We desexualize Santa Baby once and for all."
"Santa Baby is a filthy song."
"You're telling me that harlot is going to be in charge of a platinum mine?"
Peach's Relatable Stand-up 'Reaches'
The group mocks Peach's stand-up premises, specifically her jokes about faulty heating pillows and trees growing into neighbors' yards, calling them a 'reach.'
"This is what we say when her standup premises are a bit of a reach."
"My a faulty heating pillow is relatable to everyone."
"You're reaching. You're peaching."
The Emo and Dirty Christmas Carol Catalog
The carolers reminisce about their failed attempts to diversify their repertoire, including 'Hark Emo Bells' and a series of increasingly inappropriate parodies that shoehorn Jesus into secular pop songs.
"We got caught on Ravenclaw. We didn't know it was a Harry Potter thing."
"Why did George Michael not talk about Jesus more?"
"It's the nativity scene with the bed."
Sex Parties and Financial Conferences
The group discusses their niche gigs, from singing '12 Days of Eat Ass' at 2005-era swingers parties to performing corporate IPO-themed carols at high-stakes financial conferences.
"Remember the 12 days of eat ass that we did?"
"Somebody's going public tonight."
"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better hide all those files tonight."
The Mall War and the Mike Posner Heart Attack
The carolers describe the mall as their 'war space' and recount a tragic incident where a man suffered a heart attack in an elevator while they performed a Mike Posner cover.
"Our war space is the mall. When we are in the mall, we are at war."
"The first person ever in America to have a heart attack to a Mike Posner song."
The Great Caroling Betrayal
The group dynamic implodes when Ellen reveals she is part of a 'Fall Group.' The others react with extreme verbal abuse, leading to a cascade of confessions about secret side-groups for dentists and the Fourth of July.
"I'm part of a fall group."
"You blow corpses and we fucking know it, you skank."
"I'm in a Fourth of July specific group."
The Christmas Carolers' Filthy Feud
The carolers descend into a barrage of increasingly graphic and bizarre insults, eventually questioning their own sanity and the 'spirit of Christmas evil' that took over their performance.
"You're a train to disgusting town. And disgusting town is filled with dicks and balls and pussy and noses."
"The car you drive is a big nipple that's farting every day."
"I think that was the spirit of Christmas evil."
The Holiday Tour Schedule and Wix Debt
The group lists a series of increasingly unlikely venues for their Christmas tour, including a Burbank airport and a financier convention, while one member panics about paying their Wix domain fees.
"We're going to be at the Burbank airport on the 24th."
"Oh shoot. I have to pay Wix. Don't go yet. I will let you know when I've paid Wix."
The Grand Finale Medley
The carolers perform a chaotic medley that transitions from a surprisingly accurate cover of Mike Posner's 'Cooler Than Me' into a traditional rendition of 'Silent Night' to close the show.
"I cannot believe Kylie knew every single word to the Mike Posner song."
"For a bunch of ho bags, I think we did pretty good."