Industry Mall Santa Secrets REVEALED (ft. Amanda Lehan-Canto)
Cast & Characters (5)
Bits & Timeline (11)
The Mall Santa Roundtable Roll-Call
The panel introduces themselves, featuring the youngest mall Santa ever, the first female mall Santa, a high-status Santa from The Grove, and a mysterious man named Matt Lanyard who is definitely not hiding anything.
"I am well on record as the youngest Mall Santa ever exists. I'm 19 years old."
"My mother was the first female Mall Santa. Facts."
"I am the Santa at the Grove and have been there for the last nine years."
"I love being a mall Santa because it lets me fly under the radar."
The Mall Santa Draft and Year-Round Retail
Trevor explains the professional Mall Santa draft system, while Rip Kirby reveals she works at a year-round Christmas kiosk for 20k a year, taking only December off when she is replaced by a 'real' Santa.
"Every year we get drafted by the different places that want us."
"I work January through December as a mall Santa. I get replaced on Christmas."
The Benjamin Button of Mall Santas
Trevor Widmore discusses his medical condition where he looks like a decrepit old man at 19, leading the panel to compare him to a teenage Benjamin Button who has recently taken up skateboarding.
"I look like an old decrepit man. It's just who I am."
"You do look like 16 year old Benjamin Button."
Matt Lanyard's True Identity Revealed
Matt Lanyard confesses he is actually the real Santa Claus hiding from North Pole bureaucracy. He removes his fake beard to reveal an identical real white beard underneath.
"I assumed Matt Lanyard's identity because my name is Santa Claus."
"It's like you took your chin off and under it was another chin and a beard."
Christmas Field: The Polyamorous Santa Dating App
The Santas discuss 'Christmas Field,' a niche dating app for polyamorous couples who specifically deliver presents on Christmas. They break down the app's strict seasonal posting rules and festive acronyms like BDSM.
"BDSM stands for bells, Deck the Halls, Santa, and Mary."
The Real Santa's Force Field Lap
The Real Santa Claus reveals that due to his immortality, he physically does not have a lap. Children who attempt to sit on him are simply bounced off by a magical force field, a fact that Dr. Candy Cane is currently investigating.
"I physically don't have a lap. When I sit down, nothing happens."
The Bakersfield Latching Incident
Trevor Widmore describes his time being 'drafted' to Bakersfield, where a previous Santa had conditioned the entire community to believe that latching onto Santa's chest was a standard part of the holiday experience.
"The kids would come mouths open ready to latch because the last Santa promoted latching."
The 13 Going on 30 Audition Monologue
Rip Kirby performs her Santa audition monologue from the film '13 Going on 30.' Despite Andrew McCarthy's professional warnings, the Real Santa is so moved that he offers to recommend her to any mall in America.
"I'm becoming someone new, someone I didn't expect. My body's changing and so is my heart."
The Marshalls Retail Grind
Nicholas Christopher reveals his off-season job at Marshalls, sharing trade secrets about expired juice jugs and the 'working' properties of hardened body lotion.
"Here's a little tip: don't get the juice jugs at Marshalls."
"The harder the lotion, the newer it is. That's a Marshalls secret."
Santa's Dark Secret: The Elf Hunter
Santa Claus reveals he is on the run from the North Pole police for hunting elves for sport, showing off his 'Pandora-style' ankle monitor charm bracelet.
"Occasionally killing the elves for sport, which is kind of why I'm here."
The Nepotism of Grove Glennie
Andrew McCarthy confesses she only has her job because her father, Grove Glennie, bought the mall from Rick Caruso, leading to a flurry of final character confessions.
"My dad is Grove Glennie. Rick Caruso sold the Grove to Grove Glennie."
"It's time I finally use my nepotism for some good."