Alyssa Limperis
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Highlight Bits
11The Lost Art of Fake Actor Names
The financiers lament the lack of classic stage names like Shirley Temple, suggesting modern actors should be named after drinks like Sydney Sprite or Pina Colada to facilitate automatic brand deals.
"Chris Evans should be called Pina Colada."
"It shouldn't be Sydney Sweeney. It should be Sydney Sprite."
"Her real name is Ethel Skinky Poopy Boom Boom."
Financing Through Lucid Dreams
The group discusses the danger of accidentally financing films in their sleep, including a bank account called 'My Teeth Fell Out' and wiring money to a genie via Venmo.
"I put all my money into a bank account called My Teeth Fell Out."
"We got to learn how to lucid dream so we don't finance."
"Hey Siri, send Greta Gerwig's youngest sister $50,000 more."
Bend It Like Swiffer and Post-Release Notes
Barbara reveals she forced a total recut of 'Bend It Like Beckham' after its limited release because it was originally a corporate film titled 'Bend It Like Swiffer.'
"Swiffers don't bend, they glide."
"I've given notes when it's a finished product."
"It was called Bend It Like Swiffer."
Titanic: The Bosnian Comedy Masterpiece
Danny Oil explains that in Bosnia, James Cameron's Titanic is considered a hilarious comedy, specifically finding the drowning of men and children to be a top-tier punchline.
"Titanic. I was hahaing the whole time."
"Men and children drowning in cold water. I mean, haha, right?"
"I'm financing both his movies and his submarine obsession."
The Gown vs. The Down
A linguistic misunderstanding leads to a debate about whether Denise 'goes down' or 'goes gown' on the red carpet, culminating in a discussion about her Glambot stomach shot.
"I go gown. I go gown cuz I want to go down."
"The Glambot shot in and just shot your stomach."
"Do you cuff the gown?"
Hostage Games and Set Pranks
Danny Oil describes his favorite set 'game' which involves bringing guns and knives to hold half the crew hostage just to see the fear of death in their eyes.
"Sometimes I will hold half of set hostage just as a fun game."
"It's funny because you see the fear in their eyes."
"Can you bring guns? Yes, a lot of guns, knives, blades."
The Financiers Arrive in a Chaotic Phone-Call Frenzy
The panel of financiers enters while simultaneously conducting high-stakes business calls, shouting about Sundance, Tostitos branding, and hiding money in martinis.
"Get Tostitos on the line. Tell them it's time. We brand."
"I measure my money in martinis."
Danny Oil and Barbara Loft III Introduce Their Portfolios
Danny Oil explains his corn oil dynasty and obsession with funding movies featuring big cars, while Barbara Loft III discusses her passion for feature-length brand collaborations.
"I never feel bait and switched as long as I see the car."
"I see a 90-minute rom-com that takes place in the beautiful Massachusetts hills... and I see that in the can."
The Crypto Bro Realization
Denise Nissan realizes she is accidentally a 'crypto bro' because her money guy, Brian, has been investing her funds in anything he finds, including a llama-face app.
"Money guy named Brian. You're in crypto, baby."
"I'm a crypto bro!"
Synergy, Innovation, and Reclaiming Chuck and Larry
Barbara Loft III discusses her role as a 'connector,' revealing she is producing a remake of 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry' reclaimed by a gay girl in Echo Park.
"She wants to reclaim the film Now I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry."
The Faith-Based Finance Finale
The group concludes that all financiers eventually pivot to faith-based films, leading to a chaotic, high-pitched celebration of their own intelligence.
"You pause long enough in a room full of financiers and God comes out."