Patty Guggenheim
Guest1 episodeCharacters
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Highlight Bits
14The Dickensian Eviction Musical
Velveeta McAllister performs a song from her reality show about finding a home for a family denied everywhere else, which leads into a discussion about her 'Cozette meets Iggy Azalea' persona.
"We'll hug you, surround you with love and snack. And now this place is your house."
"If Cozette could rap, it would be you."
The Handmaid's Eviction Clip
The group reviews a clip of Velveeta evicting a family while dressed as a Handmaid with pasties, featuring her catchphrase 'You got to get going.'
"Grandpa, what's on his boobies?"
"I haven't explained pasties to the children yet."
Catchphrase Workshop: 3D That's Me
Frankfurt Jealousy attempts to workshop a new catchphrase based on the idea that real estate should be measured in cubic volume because we live in a 3D world.
"3D. That's me."
"I'll get a cappuccino, please. 3D, that's on me."
The Styrofoam Baby Shower Drama
Velveeta recounts the drama of her baby shower, where she twerked on a gift that turned out to be a messy cake topper made of styrofoam.
"You put your fat ass on it and started twerking."
"What did you make the pulp out of? That was styrofoam from I had been opening gifts."
Dating Bob of Bob's Big Boy
The realtors reveal a shared dating history involving the mascot of Bob's Big Boy, debating whether a 'Big Boy' is legally considered a man.
"It was Bob of Bob's Big Boy."
"Legally, a big boy is a man."
The Heart of La Brea: Keypads and Fobs
Velveeta pitches a listing next to Magnolia Bakery, emphasizing that the true appeal of the neighborhood is the excessive security measures like 20-digit keypad codes.
"It has the heart of La Brea, which is keypads."
"The longer the code, the safer I am."
The Anti-Native Invasive Garden
Cassidy describes her 7,000 square foot bungalow, featuring crystal chandeliers for movie projection and a garden specifically designed with invasive species that are terrorizing the neighborhood.
"Farm to invasive species."
"You haven't lived until you've watched a movie on a chandelier."
The White Tiger Gibson Peep
Cassidy reveals she has an exotic white tiger named Gibson Peep living in her bedroom, leading to a discussion about the tiger potentially biting the realtors at a future event.
"Gibson Peep the White Tiger."
"Gibson Peep rips fat ass off realtor."
Stan's Brechtian Monologue
Stan performs a dramatic monologue for his acting class, which turns out to be a verbatim recreation of a previous argument between the realtors regarding a fifth-floor walk-up.
"I don't care if you can't walk up the stairs."
"I shit people like you every single day."
Did Somebody Just Skoogie?
Velveeta takes the network name literally, treating 'Skoogie' as a verb for a foul-smelling bodily function or presence in the room as the show concludes.
"Oh, did somebody just Skoogie? It's Skoogies in here."
"If you like Skooging, come on down."
The Cast of Leasing La Brea
The hosts introduce the cast of the new reality show 'Leasing La Brea,' a bunch of high-strung realtors from the Oglethorpe leasing office who specialize in rentals rather than sales.
"You think it's dramatic when people buy homes? It's dramatic when they rent them."
Cassidy Lion's Vocal Talents
Cassidy Lion introduces herself as a USC grad who has been leasing since age 16, boasting about her unique vocal abilities and threatening to 'fuck people up' with her throat.
"I gave the best blowjobs anyone's ever heard."
Lunchtime for Stan: The Musical
The group breaks into a multi-genre musical number mocking Stan's negativity, featuring solos, a rap breakdown, and a Doris Day-style melody.
"It's lunchtime for Stan, he's hungry for drama."
The Skoogie Network Launch
The realtors promote their new streaming home, Skoogie, which is exclusively available wherever you have 5G. Velveeta performs the high-pitched network jingle.
"You can get Skoogie anywhere you could get Wi-Fi in 5G."