Celebrity Bodyguards
Cast & Characters (4)
Bits & Timeline (14)
Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists: Bodyguards
The hosts introduce the episode's theme: the unromantic, high-stakes world of celebrity bodyguards, warning viewers not to cross the line.
"The real life job is anything but romantic."
"Don't cross this line and listen in."
The Perimeter Sweep
The panel of bodyguards enters in character, performing a frantic security sweep of the theater and checking in on their high-profile clients via walkie-talkies.
"The eagle is in the nest."
"I put the toddler in front of the TV."
The Bodyguard Roll Call
The bodyguards introduce themselves and their clients, ranging from Julie Andrews to Lady Gaga, while revealing increasingly bizarre security protocols like fake arms and secret reporters.
"I am the bodyguard for Julie Andrews."
"I am a queer man, which is important because the amount of queer men that come after me."
Worst Case Scenarios
The bodyguards compete to imagine the most terrifying security breach possible in the current room, escalating from a simple shooter to a supernatural maternal assassination.
"The ghost of our mother comes through that door, kills us."
Yes, No, Bullet
The panel attempts to play a high-stakes bodyguard version of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' called 'Yes, No, Bullet' to determine if anyone is lying about their client's identity.
"This is the bodyguard version of Fuck, Marry, Kill."
"Bullet is I'd rather die."
"I know it's tough for bodyguards to understand anything but bodyguarding."
"I'd rather take a bullet to my head. I have clarified this game 1,000 times."
The Tofu House Strategy
Chet Farr explains how he keeps fans away from Guy Fieri by convincing them that the venue is a 'tofu house' with no meat, preying on the fans' primal hunger for ribs and burgers.
"I say, 'This is a tofu house. You got to go. You don't want this.'"
"Guy is a symptom of their true fanhood and not the cause."
Justin Noble's Legal Name Change
Justin Noble reveals he legally changed his name to 'Do Not Touch Lady Gaga' to deter fans, leading to complications during jury duty and DUI checkpoints.
"I changed my legal name to do not touch Lady Gaga."
"I was pulled over at a DUI checkpoint recently and that caused issues."
The Super Bowl Mid-Air Save
Justin Noble describes his intense training at iFly to protect Lady Gaga from 'little monsters' while jumping out of the sky during her Super Bowl performance.
"I had to be with her or she jumped out of the sky."
"I had people throw things at me, knives, guns, cell phones, anything to see if I could swap them in the middle of the air."
The Kansas Tornado Crab Shack Incident
Chet Farr recounts a harrowing day in Kansas where he had to protect Guy Fieri from a horde of hungry women during a tornado at Patty's Crab Shack.
"A tornado approaches. It is below us, above us, to the east of us, and to the west of us."
"I never saw those women again."
The Singles Cooking Class Secret
Chet Farr reveals that despite having a girlfriend, he attends a singles cooking class to develop 'hyperspecific skills' like making white sauce gnocchi, leading to a discussion about the constant threat of women hitting on him.
"I attend a singles cooking class where we make gnocchi."
"I have a girlfriend, but we don't talk very much."
"One of these days I will fully become him in order to guard him fully."
"You take a singles cooking class and you have a girlfriend. She must been very upset about that."
The Queer Bodyguard Community
Justin Noble discusses living at the 'House of Gaga' and the intensity of the small, queer bodyguard community, including his rivalry with Ethan, the Jonas Brothers' bodyguard.
"The queer bodyguard community is even more intense and much much smaller."
"I will protect you from any homophobe that walks through this door."
"He does all three and he does the bonus Jonas, too."
Blackout Poetry and Secret Codes
Devin Templeton shares his hobby of blackout poetry, which the others mock as simple copy editing. This leads to a reveal that all the bodyguards have been communicating in secret codes and algorithms throughout the episode.
"Elon Musk is a Tesla dumb."
"You're more of an editor than a poet."
"I've been speaking in a code where every seventh word I say goes into the walkie and it creates a sentence."
Bodyguard Jeopardy
Devin hosts a high-stakes game of 'Bodyguard' (not Jeopardy) where the panelists must describe how they would handle extreme security threats, involving smash burgers and flooding stadiums.
"That's Jeopardy. This is bodyguard."
"I whip out my emergency burger. It is an emergency smash burger that I keep on my person at all times."
"I flood the stadium so that no one can move."
The Mr. Monopoly Reveal and Brain Bomb
During a simulated earthquake, Chet reveals his true client is Mr. Monopoly, who immediately dies when a tiny bomb in his brain explodes. The bodyguards then reveal the entire episode was a test of character.
"You revealed your actual client. It's Mr. Monopoly."
"There was a tiny bomb in his brain. It blew up his brain."
"We were homophobic the whole time."