Movie Cowboys
Cast & Characters (4)
Bits & Timeline (12)
The Pasta Western Taxonomy
The panel explores the nuances of Italian-made westerns, escalating from 'Spaghetti Westerns' to increasingly specific pasta-based subgenres like 'Bucatini Westerns' and 'Lasagna Westerns' with varying plot densities.
"A bucatini western has 50% more beef."
"Lasagna western, well, there's layers to this one."
"Penne western full of holes."
Sam Spike and the 400-Season Contract
Sam Spike introduces himself as the star of 'Dirt Guy' on Paramount Plus, revealing he signed a record-breaking 400-season contract based on a man having a mental breakdown in Odessa, Texas.
"I signed a 400 season contract. First of its kind."
"The horse in this is the showrunner."
Randall Gentry and the Cowboy Bleph Surgery
Singing cowboy Randall Gentry discusses his 40-year career with his puppet sidekick Poopy Woopy and explains that his youthful appearance is due to 'Cowboy Bleph Surgery'—a rattlesnake bite above the eye.
"Cowboy bleph surgery is when a rattlesnake bites you above the eye."
"Giddy up, ring the bell, it's a cowboy corral."
DirtMud HorseLasso Esquire's Christian Pivot
DirtMud reveals her legal-sounding name is just a name, her history as Taylor Sheridan's childhood bully, and her current career in Christian films where she proves liberal professors wrong.
"I was Taylor Sheridan's bully in school."
"On Instagram I am Christian."
"If Jesus is stupid, then I guess I'll better throw all the results of my ACT test out the window."
The Old Cowboy in High School
DirtMud HorseLasso Esquire explains his role as an old cowboy in a high school drama where none of the students or parents question his presence, leading to a season finale lesson.
"If Jesus is stupid, then that means the very metric by which we judge intelligence has to be thrown out the window."
"There's no justification why there's an old cowboy walking around high school."
Whiskey Brown: The First Hollywood Cowboy
Whiskey Brown introduces himself as a living legend and the first 'New Age' Hollywood cowboy, discussing his rivalry with Sam Spike and his darker complexity.
"My name is Whiskey Brown."
"Suddenly they call you the first Hollywood cowboy."
The Picnic Dress and Dolly Saint Claire
The cowboys reminisce about the late Dolly Saint Claire and the 'picnic dress,' a garment designed to be covered in food to entice hungry cowboys.
"A picnic dress is, that's a dress a lady wears to a picnic that she gets covered in food."
"This chick's got lemon bars all up on her boobs."
The Curvy Wife Competition
The cowboys compete to describe whose wife is the curviest using increasingly absurd and non-linear metaphors involving mountain switchbacks and F1 races.
"She's curvier than a mountain switchback made by a person with a lazy eye."
"My wife is curvier than an F1 race going up and down the mountains of Canada."
You Know You're a Hollywood Cowboy When...
A rapid-fire riff session where the performers list signs that someone is a Hollywood cowboy rather than a real one, focusing on agents, call times, and SAG dues.
"You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when you call your snake on the phone because your snake is your agent."
"You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when your call time is high noon."
Cowboy In Memoriam: The Canceled Actors
The panel holds a somber in memoriam for cowboy actors who were canceled for various offenses, ranging from saying bad words to pushing women off boats and smelling bad things.
"Old Two Hats Johnson, 2018, said a really bad word."
"Dusty Cleghorne. Pushed a woman off a boat? Question mark, it wasn't confirmed."
"Jennifer Two Spurs McGee. Smelled a really bad thing."
Dirt Boy vs. Dirt Guy: The Poop Incident
Sam Spike discusses his viral video screaming at hair and makeup artists after he accidentally rubbed dog feces on his face while trying to look more authentic for his role in 'Dirt Guy'.
"I didn't know I was picking up poop. That was an accident."
"I heard you gave Naomi Wasserman E. coli."
"I did give her E. coli. She was sick for a week and a half."
The Curvy Road to the White Light
A spiritual meditation on death turns into a chaotic auditory hallucination of a car crash involving a city slicker's vehicle and a woman named Ophelia.
"The road is too curvy. I couldn't see behind the blind corners."
"I've killed a woman! Ophelia!"
"Now that's what I call a yeehaw."